Soft ripples in reflections
of the shore and the ridge behind it
create a fluctuating barcode
on the surface of the water.
You row by a tree trunk doing a headstand
in the middle of the lake.
Its body leans at a 60-degree angle.
As you approach, you find
several large nails hammered into it,
abandoned.
You stop rowing,
watch drops of water fall from your paddle,
the growing ripples trail behind you.
A subtle breeze over still water,
which changes color
in the clear reflections of
the green ridge,
the blue mountain,
the brown shore.
You travel through
a village of stumps in the lakebed,
decapitated a century ago.
Their raised roots spread like spider legs.
Footholds are carved in their trunks.
On your way back,
you see two motorboats descend the ramp.
You hear them start,
see them speed to the opposite side of the lake—
still audible once out of view.
The reflection of the mountain
becomes a pale static.
Author: M. Espinosa
You Are Not a Person (For Taylor Swift)
You were once
(of course), but it’s not
that world anymore.
Do you remember
summer days
when you could enter a coffee shop
without people noticing?
When you could read a book in the park,
the sun on your full face?
When you could walk home
under the evening’s raspberry sky?
The internet flattens people.
We know it. We hate it
when it happens to us;
you are different—
separate.
People are allowed to be complicated,
deserve shape, depth, empathy.
People need you, however,
to fit a narrative with
plot points and themes
clear as a Hallmark movie.
You cannot deviate
from the ideas in their heads.
You are an object—
a doll for fantasies of wish fulfillment.
How long has it been
since you could act without acting?
Since you could do something without the next ten moves planned?
Since you could talk to someone without your mask on?
Your wealth
—deserved or not,
ethical or not—
makes you a symbol,
a proxy
for whatever debate
the algorithm decides to prioritize.
It’s not your name
anymore;
it’s a brand,
a buzzword,
a search engine optimization.
You are an object—
a tool for the exploitation of consumers.
When was
the last time
you could share a thought
without having to consider
the opinions of CEOS or heads of state?
The last time
you could answer a question
without having to consider
the fates of the hundreds of employees who depend on you?
The last time
you could post a picture of your lunch
without having to consider
the moral implications of your plating?
You chose
to make art,
to share it with people.
You didn’t choose
to not be a person.
We did that
to you.
One Day
One day, the life that flowed through you
will be gone,
leaving only
the husks of your bones
to dry in the sun.
One day, the sun, wind, and rain
will erode those bones,
leaving only
the impact you had
on the landscape.
In Your Hands #4: You hunt for food.
Your bow readied, an arrow between your fingers. You crouch, walk toward the rustling on the balls of your feet.
You’ve hunted plenty of times before. Stalking always feels like it takes forever, but you know, logically, only a fraction of the time you feel actually goes by. Your eyes adjust to the shadows, the setting sun, making your slow steps avoid fallen branches and crunchy leaves with ease.
Pause. Wait for another hint, a misplaced step, to dictate your direction. You hear it: a leaf ripped form a stem, a hundred feet or so away from you.
One step. Another. Ready your arrow. A quick death. No chase.
Right before you release your fingers, an illuminated arrow sails from your left and the deer collapses on the ground. The sound of it writhing over dead leaves blends with two sets of footsteps from the arrow’s origin.
An adult and a child, maybe a human and halfling— hard to tell in the dark. Each figure wears a dark cloak. The taller figure holds a metallic bow. Portions of its pattern glow in the new light of a lantern held by the shorter one.
They start talking. The shorter one’s voice is high and nasally. “See? It harnesses the power of lightning within the shaft. When it makes contact, that bolt surges through the target. It’s genius, really.”
The taller one sounds tired, their voice a low drawl. “That mean the meat’s cooked then? I can just take a bite off the thigh there?” They lift one of the hind legs, bring it to their mouth.
“Sweet Sol, no! Stop that!” The shorter one knocks the leg out of the taller one’s hands. “There’s still disease in it! Obviously. Lightning shocks, it doesn’t cook.”
“There’s smoke coming out of the wound. The fur is singed. How is that not cooked?”
The short one sighs. “Selnk. I swear. You are smarter than this. That small portion may be ‘cooked,’ as you say, but the rest isn’t. You’ve stopped the heart; you didn’t roast it over a fire.”
“You’re no fun when you’re hungry.”
“Then pick up that carcass so we can cook it then! It took all day to put that enchantment together!”
Selnk bends over, flops the deer carcass over their shoulder. The arrow sticks out of the deer’s neck behind them. You could see the burnt fur, bulging eyes. The deer’s weight brings down their hood, revealing dark, wavy hair just above their shoulder. There are bags under their grey eyes, a scar creating a valley in their beard.
“Lead the way, Alri. You got the lantern.”
Alri holds the lantern up to inspect the carcass one last time. They throw their hood back to get a better look. The braid over their shoulder looks like a coil of copper. They poke the deer’s shoulder and nod. They lift the lantern and lead Selnk down the trail, debating what tea goes best with venison.
In Your Hands #3: You go toward the river.
You bend down a little to fit your head under the arch of the hollowed-out log. You carry your pack in front of you in one hand, your bow in the other. Brittle wood brushes against your hunched shoulders; a chunk falls on the ground behind you.
Out on the other side, the clouds begin to part. Sun rays filter through the trees in angles you can read which tell you it’s early afternoon. You step into and out of its warmth as you walk down the trail.
An annoying thing about being in sunlight, even briefly, if that you start to feel like a person again. Images from the morning come back to you in waves: an old scroll, alchemical formulas, a beaker in the rotten center of a stump, a westerly gust, an explosion.
That voice in your head felt familiar, even though you’d never heard it before. A woman’s voice. Whatever it was is gone now. You feel the absence. You only hear it like an echo from around a bend.
The river becomes louder. The trail gives way to a pebbly bank. Rocks shuffle under your step. You look at where you step and see blood drop from your face. Right. The blood. You need to wash your face.
You squat at the edge of the river, stick your hands in. Cold. The black clouds trails from your hands in the water. You make a bowl with your hands, watch it fill up. Tossing the water onto your face feels nice, refreshing. You wipe your hands across your face, brush your hair out of your eyes. Combing your hair with your fingers, you see red droplets fall from your knuckles.
You get a glimpse of your face in the moving water. A cut above your right eye, connecting your temple to your hairline, about the length of your index finger. You dry your hands on your jacket, dig out a bandage from the bottom of your pack, and dress the wound.
The sun’s rays lose shape, diffuse in the late-afternoon mist. Your stomach growls. No food left in your pack.
Downstream, dots can be seen in the windows of buildings in town. You could probably get there by nightfall, in time for a meal at an inn.
Upstream, a similar rustling sound from earlier can be heard over the river. There’s a good chance a deer or something similar could be hunted there.
In Your Hands #2: You choose a longbow.
You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your longbow. It spins in your grip as you nock an arrow, draw it back, aim.
It’s only a deer, you realize, foraging for acorns under an aging oak. As you relax your arrow, the deer lifts its head and looks in your direction. You see a vibrant purple gash in its face, right below its eye. It’s deep, bright, its edges spread out in tendrils wavy as a canyon river. It appears dry, the fur around it unstained. The deer startles itself, hops further into the forest.
You take a half-step after it, but stop. The amethyst from the crater, now behind you, draws you in its direction. The smoke from it is dissipating. You hear a voice coming from it, a little louder with every step you take.
“time— constant— it’s time—always now—an end— time— beginning—”
The crater is hardened, charred earth. Heat radiates through you. In its center is the amethyst, its pulsing glow, no bigger than a halved apple; it would fit in the palm of your hand.
“time— it’s time—”
You reach for the amethyst. Surprisingly, it’s cold in your hand. You feel its jagged edges across your palm.
The gem’s light pulses. As it brightens, you feel something surge through your wrist. Your veins take on a violet hue under your skin for only a second. It doesn’t hurt. The wave fades as quickly as it came.
“the bow—” The voice is all around you now. “it’s time— the bow—” Maybe it’s inside your head.
You look back at your bow, untie the lather straps of the grip, exposing a small crevice in the wood. The gem is a close fit, but needs more space. You dig out the crevice slightly, carefully, with your pocket knife.
Once you’ve removed a few slivers, you replace the amethyst in the crevice. The wood glows in the purple light and you see small purple tributaries stretch from its center. You rewrap and retie the straps of the grip.
Always the scientist, you nock an arrow to see what happens. As soon as the shaft rests on the top of the grip, the arrowhead glows. You aim toward a log a few yards away.
The arrow sinks deep into its side, a bit deeper than usual. A polypore erupts from the point of impact. The bark around it becomes brittle. Lichen drapes hang from the edge of the shelf fungus. The quickened effect only lasts a few seconds, then the log and its decomposition seemingly return to the regular flow of time.
You become restless. The clearing’s stillness feels ominous. You gather your things and figure out where you can go.
The soft roar of a river can be heard to your right, probably half a mile away. A hollowed-out log connects to a trail in that direction.
On the end of the clearing in front of you is a cluster of deer ferns, a small gap in their leaves reveals a narrow trail beyond the tree line. It seems to go back toward town.
In Your Hands #1: You wake up on the forest floor.
You wake up on the forest floor. You lie face down on a bed of moss. It takes a lot of effort to lift your head, to get onto your knees and hands.
The world seems to spin. To find which way is down, you squeeze your eyes, ball the moss bed in your fists. Equilibrium comes after a minute or so— time is hard to discern. When you open your eyes, the maple branches seem to move both faster and slower than you think they should.
There’s a layer of smoke between you and the trees. The clearing is filled with the smell of a campfire. Ash floats like snow.
Now that you’ve secured gravity, you look down. Your knuckles are pale as the falling ash. Relaxing your grip doesn’t last; your fingers slap back against your palm like a mousetrap. A drop of blood lands on your right thumbnail.
There’s nothing above you but clouds and ash. The diffused lights makes it impossible to tell what time of day it is. There’s a red circle in the moss where your head lay before. Your face is slick as you roll your hand over it. Your palm comes back red.
Your gaze sticks to the puddle of blood in your hand as you try to remember how you got here. So hazy. An explosion? But why? From whom? You? Was this your goal?
Sharp waves of pain don’t wash over you. Your limbs have the dull ache of overuse, a bad night’s sleep. You half-reposition, half-fall onto your backside, landing by your pack. Every breath is labored; your throat itches. Your eyes strain to take in light, focus through the blur of growing tears.
You take in your surroundings to see if it jogs your memory.
To your left, the moss climbs up a nurse log. Straightening your back to see over its crest, the moss yields to a grassy meadow. Black smoke emanates from a sunken patch of darkened soil a few yards aways. Something glows in the center of the crater, a slow pulsing amethyst. There are no other people in the clearing, no other bodies on the ground.
The urge to move is overwhelming. That pulsing light calls to you; it will answer your questions. It’s a slow process, getting to your feet, but you can eventually stand upright without leaning on the nurse log beside you.
A rustling emerges from the bushes behind you. A flood of adrenaline turns you around in an instant. You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your…
I Just Want to Be a Good Dad
Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from August, 2024.
I. mob-lolatry, n.
I just want to be
a good dad,
you know?
They’re always on about how
we never go anywhere.
And, it’s so damn hot,
I don’t mind the idea
of being in a car all day.
The 12 straight hours of Taylor Swift
doesn’t sound that bad either.
II. devil’s horse, n.
Logically, I know
bugs happen in campsites—
it’s their home.
I didn’t expect
them to overwhelm our tent
while I pumped up the mattresses.
I also didn’t think
Aria would give a name
to every grasshopper.
III. panchreston, n.
Aria’s attention span
is what you would expect
of a six year old.
Unlike her older sister,
she does not want to sit in the shade
rereading The Maze Runner.
So, instead, I send her on a quest
to find the perfect walking stick.
Works every time.
IV. nosebleeder, n.
The next day,
another long drive
down California.
Claire looks up from her book,
asks about the mountain
out her window in the east.
“I think that’s Lassen,” I say,
squinting toward the morning sun.
“That’s where we’re camping today.”
“ON the mountain?!” she asks.
After I say no, she focuses on it again.
“Can we try to climb it though?”
V. megstie, int.
“What?! You can’t be serious!”
I gasp. “It’s a volcano!”
Aria looks up from her iPad.
“I want to climb a volcano!”
“You too? There’s no way
we could do it.”
“It has to be possible,” Claire responds.
“I’m googling it.”
VI. kass-kass, n.
Claire says
the hike to Lassen Peak is
“only five miles long.”
I say
we don’t have hiking essentials and
would need to go to a store first.
Aria says
she wants to plant a flag on the top
“like Neil Armstrong.”
I say
she can barely focus
through an episode of Bluey.
They say
I’m “a force of inertia”
and “a big meanie.”
I tell
Claire to find
the closest Big 5.
VII. hdb, n.
We have to stop in Redding
to get ourselves
actual hiking shoes and packs.
Claire’s directions from Apple Maps
sends us meandering through
three neighborhoods on the way.
VIII. bellywash, n.
They do a lap around the store
to break in their new shoes and packs
while I find some for myself.
They return with
three tall glass bottles of lemonade
while I stand on the balls of my feet.
They tell me how hot it’s been and
we’re buying expensive shoes anyway
while I check my card balance on my phone.
Aria hugs the bottles and
Claire balances the shoe boxes
while I lead them to the checkout.
IX. biblioklept, n.
During the drive to Lassen,
Claire finishes the Maze Runner,
infodumps about new details she noticed.
Don’t worry, she packed a backpack
specifically for backup books
just for this situation.
She takes out a brick of a book
from her mobile library,
starts reading.
X. onion, n.
I successfully get them both
up and in the car before dawn—
a literal miracle.
The drive is winding switchbacks.
Aria complains about her ears popping.
Claire eyes the wildfire remnants we pass.
The sun rises as we pull into the parking lot.
Another family starts their hike
as we get ourselves ready.
XI. dumb phone, n.
Don’t know why, but when
I put my phone in my pocket,
I feel her phone in my hand
from the last hike we went on
before she passed.
She loved hiking, looked forward
to taking our daughters
on her favorites when
they were old enough.
She never got to do that.
Her equipment is still
in the back of our closet—
I can never bring myself
to look at it.
XII. tragedietta, n.
Aria is ready to run up the mountain,
Claire right behind her.
I stop by the trailhead to look at the map,
check for safety notices.
The hike description says,
“Strenuous.”
XIII. southpaw, n.
“Come on, Dad!” Aria yells,
drawing zigzags in the dirt
with the walking stick she found
the first night of our trip.
XIV. oysterling, n.
For the first 500 feet,
Claire keeps a constant pace.
Aria, on the other hand, runs
straight to the first switchback,
leans around the interpretive sign,
stares at the fading social trail
that goes straight up the ridge,
taps the wall with her foot.
“Don’t even think about it,”
I warn, stopping to stretch my legs.
XV. blackberry, v.
Aria sighs. Her walking stick
leaves a snake in the dirt.
Claire picks pines off
branches as she passes,
twirls them between her fingertips
as she hums “Cruel Summer” to herself.
XVI. sprig, v.
Loose dirt and gravel
shift underfoot on the
next stretch of trail.
Almost wish my shoes
were spiked like cleats
to stop from slipping.
XVII. hap-harlot, n.
The last time I looked over
a talus on the side of a mountain,
she was still alive and smiling.
We laid a blanket on the shore of a lake.
She told me about an article she read
as a pika ran around the rocks behind her
with a mouthful of wildflowers.
XVIII. peepling, n.
We rest at the next switchback
in the shade of a clump of trees.
Aria hands me her walking stick,
jumps onto a log along the side of the trail,
announces, “Now on beam: Simone Biles,”
cautiously walks across the log and back,
jumps, lands with her arms above her head.
Claire and I, and some passersby, applaud.
XIX. milder, v.
Little shade
covers the next section of trail.
Relentless sun
bakes the rock underfoot.
Sweat pours down my face
like rain on a windshield.
Whimsy becomes determination;
irritation grows on their faces.
XX. ramgunshoch, adj.
The morning sun warms up
quicker than anticipated.
Aria’s shoulders are slumped;
her walking stick drags behind her.
She asks Claire why the trees
get shorter the higher we go up.
Claire gives a short, uncertain answer
and a short, sudden insult.
Her walking stick hits the ground
as she runs further up the trail.
XXI. hyphy, adj.
When I try to talk to Claire about
how what she said was wrong,
she erupts into a loud tirade
like a pan of forgotten pasta on the stove.
Listen, nod, watch her eyes.
She needs to sit down and drink water.
I pick up Aria’s walking stick,
lead Claire to the nearest shade.
XXII. oxford comma, n.
A tree, a stone, and shade.
Sweat, dust, and sunscreen.
Sit, drink, and breathe.
Me, Claire, and—
oh shit.
Where is Aria?
XXIII. chicken dance, n.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.
I drop everything,
run up the trail.
How far could she have gotten?
Never felt such speed before.
Never played such a frantic game of I Spy before.
Never investigated footprints like a crime scene before.
Her name comes out
of my arid throat
like a squawk.
XXIV. gabster, n.
Magnolia would never
lose control like this.
She was an attentive mother.
I did my best,
but I couldn’t compare.
She had a way of talking,
connecting with people
that I can’t replicate.
XXV. pepper-water, n.
Tears sting my cheeks.
My thighs full of magma.
Rocks fly under my dashing feet
like arrows in a boobytrapped tomb.
At the top of a man-made staircase,
behind a boulder, by a squat pine tree,
Aria hugs her knees to her chest,
crying, crying.
Approach slowly. Say her name gently.
Wrap her in my arms. Never let go.
Her tears, sweat soak my shirt.
My tears, sweat soak her sunhat.
XXVI. bada, adj.
I tell her I’m glad she’s safe,
that what her sister said
was inappropriate.
Her face is pink, but
I can’t tell if its the heat,
the hike, or her feelings.
I get her water bottle
out of his backpack,
tell her to drink some.
XXVII. pussivant, v.
Big feelings come out
like shaken up soda.
She’s speaking a language
I can’t understand.
I listen to her timbre,
read her face.
XXVIII. anthomania, n.
Air enters her lungs
sounding like worn-out brakes.
Rhythm becomes steadier,
the sound less harsh.
Her eyes on the wildflowers
in the valley below us.
XXIX. chao tom, n.
I help get Aria back to her feet,
get her things back in order,
say we need to find her sister.
Claire comes around the bend,
carrying Aria's walking stick,
which I realize I dropped in my panic.
She offers it to her along with an apology,
says the heat and lack of water got to her,
but it's no excuse for hurting her.
XXX. taffety tart, n.
She digs a Kind bar out of her backpack,
tosses it to Aria and says,
"We've almost conquered the volcano."
Within seconds, chocolate is smeared
on her face. She holds her stick aloft,
screams like a soldier running into battle.
XXXI. upful, adj.
Finally, the trail flattens.
Four interpretive signs greet us,
a large rock in their center.
Haze on the horizon,
a cloudless sky above.
Claire drops her pack
by a sign about butterflies,
pulls out her phone to take pictures.
Rocks cast short shadows
under the merciless sun.
Aria scurries around a sign
about the different types of volcanoes,
plants her stick between rocks above the forest.
The wind amplifies her cheer
as it echoes down the mountainside.
I think I did okay.
wellness feed
chug this shake, copy this routine
build your core
boost your gains
for the perfect physique
get this angle, this lighting
pose your leg like this
tilt your head like that
for the perfect silhouette
read these books, avoid those sites
learn about the world
be an informed citizen
for the perfect intellect
use this cream, this blush
smooth your skin
highlight your cheekbones
for the perfect youthfulness
drink this tea, this coffee
shit your brains out
lose 10 pounds
for the perfect body
you were just asleep
you’re awake.
did you drink too much caffeine?
when was the last time you had caffeine?
you were just asleep—
just on the other side of the water’s surface.
why can’t you go back? why can’t you find it?
you were just comfortable. now
your knee aches,
it’s too hot,
your back screams.
the shadows taunt you.
your alarm clock taunts you.