I Just Want to Be a Good Dad

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from August, 2024.

I. mob-lolatry, n.

I just want to be
a good dad,
you know?

They’re always on about how
we never go anywhere.

And, it’s so damn hot,
I don’t mind the idea
of being in a car all day.

The 12 straight hours of Taylor Swift
doesn’t sound that bad either.

II. devil’s horse, n.

Logically, I know
bugs happen in campsites—
it’s their home.

I didn’t expect
them to overwhelm our tent
while I pumped up the mattresses.

I also didn’t think
Aria would give a name
to every grasshopper.

III. panchreston, n.

Aria’s attention span
is what you would expect
of a six year old.

Unlike her older sister,
she does not want to sit in the shade
rereading The Maze Runner.

So, instead, I send her on a quest
to find the perfect walking stick.
Works every time.

IV. nosebleeder, n.

The next day,
another long drive
down California.

Claire looks up from her book,
asks about the mountain
out her window in the east.

“I think that’s Lassen,” I say,
squinting toward the morning sun.
“That’s where we’re camping today.”

“ON the mountain?!” she asks.
After I say no, she focuses on it again.
“Can we try to climb it though?”

V. megstie, int.

“What?! You can’t be serious!”
I gasp. “It’s a volcano!”

Aria looks up from her iPad.
“I want to climb a volcano!”

“You too? There’s no way
we could do it.”

“It has to be possible,” Claire responds.
“I’m googling it.”

VI. kass-kass, n.

Claire says
the hike to Lassen Peak is
“only five miles long.”

I say
we don’t have hiking essentials and
would need to go to a store first.

Aria says
she wants to plant a flag on the top
“like Neil Armstrong.”

I say
she can barely focus
through an episode of Bluey.

They say
I’m “a force of inertia”
and “a big meanie.”

I tell
Claire to find
the closest Big 5.

VII. hdb, n.

We have to stop in Redding
to get ourselves
actual hiking shoes and packs.

Claire’s directions from Apple Maps
sends us meandering through
three neighborhoods on the way.

VIII. bellywash, n.

They do a lap around the store
to break in their new shoes and packs
while I find some for myself.

They return with
three tall glass bottles of lemonade
while I stand on the balls of my feet.

They tell me how hot it’s been and
we’re buying expensive shoes anyway
while I check my card balance on my phone.

Aria hugs the bottles and
Claire balances the shoe boxes
while I lead them to the checkout.

IX. biblioklept, n.

During the drive to Lassen,
Claire finishes the Maze Runner,
infodumps about new details she noticed.

Don’t worry, she packed a backpack
specifically for backup books
just for this situation.

She takes out a brick of a book
from her mobile library,
starts reading.

X. onion, n.

I successfully get them both
up and in the car before dawn—
a literal miracle.

The drive is winding switchbacks.
Aria complains about her ears popping.
Claire eyes the wildfire remnants we pass.

The sun rises as we pull into the parking lot.
Another family starts their hike
as we get ourselves ready.

XI. dumb phone, n.

Don’t know why, but when
I put my phone in my pocket,
I feel her phone in my hand
from the last hike we went on
before she passed.

She loved hiking, looked forward
to taking our daughters
on her favorites when
they were old enough.

She never got to do that.
Her equipment is still
in the back of our closet—
I can never bring myself
to look at it.

XII. tragedietta, n.

Aria is ready to run up the mountain,
Claire right behind her.

I stop by the trailhead to look at the map,
check for safety notices.

The hike description says,
“Strenuous.”

XIII. southpaw, n.

“Come on, Dad!” Aria yells,
drawing zigzags in the dirt

with the walking stick she found
the first night of our trip.

XIV. oysterling, n.

For the first 500 feet,
Claire keeps a constant pace.
Aria, on the other hand, runs
straight to the first switchback,

leans around the interpretive sign,
stares at the fading social trail
that goes straight up the ridge,
taps the wall with her foot.

“Don’t even think about it,”
I warn, stopping to stretch my legs.

XV. blackberry, v.

Aria sighs. Her walking stick
leaves a snake in the dirt.

Claire picks pines off
branches as she passes,

twirls them between her fingertips
as she hums “Cruel Summer” to herself.

XVI. sprig, v.

Loose dirt and gravel
shift underfoot on the
next stretch of trail.

Almost wish my shoes
were spiked like cleats
to stop from slipping.

XVII. hap-harlot, n.

The last time I looked over
a talus on the side of a mountain,
she was still alive and smiling.

We laid a blanket on the shore of a lake.
She told me about an article she read
as a pika ran around the rocks behind her
with a mouthful of wildflowers.

XVIII. peepling, n.

We rest at the next switchback
in the shade of a clump of trees.

Aria hands me her walking stick,
jumps onto a log along the side of the trail,

announces, “Now on beam: Simone Biles,”
cautiously walks across the log and back,

jumps, lands with her arms above her head.
Claire and I, and some passersby, applaud.

XIX. milder, v.

Little shade
covers the next section of trail.
Relentless sun
bakes the rock underfoot.

Sweat pours down my face
like rain on a windshield.
Whimsy becomes determination;
irritation grows on their faces.

XX. ramgunshoch, adj.

The morning sun warms up
quicker than anticipated.

Aria’s shoulders are slumped;
her walking stick drags behind her.

She asks Claire why the trees
get shorter the higher we go up.

Claire gives a short, uncertain answer
and a short, sudden insult.

Her walking stick hits the ground
as she runs further up the trail.

XXI. hyphy, adj.

When I try to talk to Claire about
how what she said was wrong,

she erupts into a loud tirade
like a pan of forgotten pasta on the stove.

Listen, nod, watch her eyes.
She needs to sit down and drink water.

I pick up Aria’s walking stick,
lead Claire to the nearest shade.

XXII. oxford comma, n.

A tree, a stone, and shade.
Sweat, dust, and sunscreen.
Sit, drink, and breathe.

Me, Claire, and—
oh shit.
Where is Aria?

XXIII. chicken dance, n.

No sign of her.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.

I drop everything,
run up the trail.
How far could she have gotten?

Never felt such speed before.
Never played such a frantic game of I Spy before.
Never investigated footprints like a crime scene before.

Her name comes out
of my arid throat
like a squawk.

XXIV. gabster, n.

Magnolia would never
lose control like this.
She was an attentive mother.
I did my best,
but I couldn’t compare.

She had a way of talking,
connecting with people
that I can’t replicate.

XXV. pepper-water, n.

Tears sting my cheeks.
My thighs full of magma.
Rocks fly under my dashing feet
like arrows in a boobytrapped tomb.

At the top of a man-made staircase,
behind a boulder, by a squat pine tree,
Aria hugs her knees to her chest,
crying, crying.

Approach slowly. Say her name gently.
Wrap her in my arms. Never let go.
Her tears, sweat soak my shirt.
My tears, sweat soak her sunhat.

XXVI. bada, adj.

I tell her I’m glad she’s safe,
that what her sister said
was inappropriate.

Her face is pink, but
I can’t tell if its the heat,
the hike, or her feelings.

I get her water bottle
out of his backpack,
tell her to drink some.

XXVII. pussivant, v.

Big feelings come out
like shaken up soda.

She’s speaking a language
I can’t understand.

I listen to her timbre,
read her face.

XXVIII. anthomania, n.

Air enters her lungs
sounding like worn-out brakes.

Rhythm becomes steadier,
the sound less harsh.

Her eyes on the wildflowers
in the valley below us.

XXIX. chao tom, n.

I help get Aria back to her feet,
get her things back in order,
say we need to find her sister.

Claire comes around the bend,
carrying Aria's walking stick,
which I realize I dropped in my panic.

She offers it to her along with an apology,
says the heat and lack of water got to her,
but it's no excuse for hurting her.

XXX. taffety tart, n.

She digs a Kind bar out of her backpack,
tosses it to Aria and says,
"We've almost conquered the volcano."

Within seconds, chocolate is smeared
on her face. She holds her stick aloft,
screams like a soldier running into battle.

XXXI. upful, adj.

Finally, the trail flattens.
Four interpretive signs greet us,
a large rock in their center.

Haze on the horizon,
a cloudless sky above.

Claire drops her pack
by a sign about butterflies,
pulls out her phone to take pictures.

Rocks cast short shadows
under the merciless sun.

Aria scurries around a sign
about the different types of volcanoes,
plants her stick between rocks above the forest.

The wind amplifies her cheer
as it echoes down the mountainside.

I think I did okay.

They Never Call Back

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2024.

I. aglu, n.

Why is it so hard to breathe?
Oxygen is
all around me.

Everyone else moves around
unburdened,
full-lunged.

Why is it so hard to move?
My fingers, toes
feel, twitch.

But I am stuck here, a bench
overlooking
a glacial valley.

II. nidorosity, n.

When I move, my joints
sound like gravel underfoot.

As I walk, no one
walks beside me.

Repugnant is what I am—
worthless.

III. mouffle, n.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when shadows don’t let me sleep.

Lights are brighter at 3am;
they show more detail.

It’s my nose, probably,
that deters people.

Explanations don’t bring any comfort,
nor do they help me sleep.

IV. âme damnée, n.

I hate being alone, but
I fear finding someone too.

What if someone deems me
worthy of time, attention,

and I lose myself completely?
It’s clear to me:

I would do anything they’d ask
to stay in their orbit.

V. glamorgan sausage, n.

I feel like an
imposter among humans—
better stay inside.

VI. funiliform, adj.

I pull the rope,
close the curtain
on my performance
in the role
of Normal Person.

VII. niddick, n.

My brain is
against me.
I feel it
when an earthquake
spans my neck
when I see
a loose cable.

VIII. wobbulator, n.

Clouds part;
it becomes clear
for an instant:

I need help.

IX. muck sweat, n.

My insurance company’s website
has an unintelligible interface.

Play Spot the Difference while
scrolling through dozens of names.

Dry my palms on my shirt,
dial a number into my phone.

Run my fingers through my hair
as rings echo through my skull.

X. clicktivism, n.

Mumble through a voicemail,
repeat my number at the end.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

Open YouTube, start my playlist
of dogs reuniting with their owners.

A golden retriever leaps into the arms of a soldier
standing in the threshold of his home.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

A woman explains how she sets up her room
for her online therapy sessions.

XI. dad joke, n.

Some 3am googling
says socializing
can stabilize mental health.

As I collect carts
in the Costco parking lot,
I smile, wave at customers.

When I return them
to the entrance, I say hi to
my coworkers, ask about their day.

Haltingly, I attempt a joke
to build camaraderie.
They suddenly need to get back to work.

XII. cryptomnesia, n.

Google isn’t a doctor.
An algorithm isn’t a person.

I should talk to an actual human
with a degree.

I should see if there’s anyone
in my insurance’s network.

XIII. eeksie-peeksie, adj.

After several hours
figuring out someone to call,
it turns out
I had called them already and
they never called back.

I open Instagram, watch a capybara
balance an orange on their head.

XIV. mythoclastic, adj.

Another online therapy ad
interrupts the flow of my scrolling.
Maybe they call people back.
Maybe they acknowledge
the dregs at the bottom of the mug.

My shaky thumbs
google the name,
but the autocomplete
adds the word
‘controversy.’

XV. ceol, n.

Leave my phone
by my water glass
sitting in its own sweat.

Need to make dinner.
Humans need food
to fuel their organs.

Ask the robot
who’s always listening to me
to play Cavetown.

XVI. fascinate, v.

See the coiled belt
on top of my dresser.

There is no escape.
They will never call you back.

See the coiled cart strap
by door to the break room.

Time is a flat circle.
You will feel this way forever.

XVII. latter wit, n.

When I’m out of the fog,
I don’t understand
what felt so logical
before.

XVIII. scringe, v.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when the sun leans on the windows.

Every mistake, every fumble
stares back at me.

Anger wells in their eyes, comes out
as spit launched at my face.

Clench my fist, swing,
make them go away.

XIX. ryepeck, n.

Shards fall like hail
over the bathroom counter.

Several stand in pools of blood
on the back of my hand.

XX. cook, n.

There’s something satisfying
about the way the glass bites
the muscles in my hand
as I clean up the bathroom.

XXI. plum bird, n.

I can hear birds in the tree
outside my dining room window
as I bandage my hand.

Their whistle sounds celebratory.

XXII. mwah-mwah, v.

The sun presides over the parking lot
in a cloudless sky.
I gather carts in the corral by the gas station.
A woman holds a child’s hand as

she pushes her cart toward me.
She looks just like my mom.
She even does that annoying air-kiss thing as
she says goodbye to another mother putting her kid in a Subaru.

XXIII. teleguide, v.

Maybe I should call my mom?
She could have an idea
of how to help.

My phone feels heavy
as I scroll through my contacts.
I remember

the track she kept me to,
the lack of choices I had,
the clack of her nails on the counter.

XXIV. buko juice, n.

Put the phone down.
Take a drink.
Think over pros and cons.

XXV. ravalement, n.

I am a broken mirror
trying to reassemble itself
piece by piece.

But, there's no foundation,
no reference poster
for what I'm supposed to be.

What if I get my dimensions wrong?
What if I spread myself too thin?

XXVI. raggare, n.

My dad was never around.
He was always off at car shows,
parading his Roadster around.

He would be no help.
He probably barely remembers
my name.

XXVII. dinki mini, n.

All around me, people go in pairs:
an old couple pushes a cart to their van,
teenagers hold hands in the food court,
parents juggle toddlers and canvas bags.

XXVIII. gong show, n.

Stare at my left eye in one of
the few remaining mirror fragments.

Stare at the stained porcelain,
small red islands in a vast white sea.

My phone against my ear,
my moms's voicemail beeps.

XXIX. patronomatology, n.

We're family.
Sure, she changed her name
after the divorce,

but names are just words.
I'm still her kid. She raised me.
She has to call back.

XXX. sometimey, adj.

It's been two days.

She has posted on Facebook four times.
She wrote about seeing Twisters
with her boyfriend.

She hasn't called me back.

XXXI. poddy dodger, n.

You're on your own.
You've always known.

People say they care.
They tell you to reach out.

They will never call you back.
You don't deserve their help.

You deserve to be alone.
You deserve to hurt.

This Is My Chance

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from May, 2024.

I. speccy, n.

No one will get in my way.
Not Donna. Not Hafsa.
Not Jayden. No one.

I will run this company.
I’ll wear the symbolic lapel pins
at press conferences.

My Wikipedia page will be
hastily reedited every hour
by my legion of devoted followers.

Society is built by the strong,
like me. No use looking
at the bodies in my wake.

II. slangster, n.

No one knows
the heights
of my ambition.

I code-switch
by Hafsas’s cubicle,
wear a friendly face.

A different mask
for every person, keep them all
in my back pocket.

Wear whatever pantsuit or dress
is required to curry the favor
of the lechers in charge.

III. talkation, n.

It’s exhausting,
really,
all the small talk.

It’s all so slow,
meandering,
repetitive.

But you have to do it
or they label you
a loner.

No one promotes
the standoffish person—
productivity be damned.

IV. rutilate, v.

Swoop in when
someone has a sick day,
say I got them covered.

Complete their work
just slightly under par
in their name.

Complete my work
with extra vigor, precision,
the same day.

Make
sure
I shine.

V. disco nap, n.

There’s no time
to rest, no time
to sleep.

This speech won’t
revise itself; it needs
to plant the seed

that I should be
Miguel’s replacement.
His retirement banquet,

the perfect opportunity to show
warmth, respect, honor, responsibility —
my best human masks.

VI. psychomancy, n.

They don’t need
this promotion
as much as I do.

Their families had food,
had school,
had connections to power.

I hear my grandma’s voice—
the fancy-people one—
come out of my mouth

during the closing of this speech,
as Miguel and Thomas
smile and nod in my direction.

VII. kintsugi, n.

The office isn’t the same
after someone leaves,
even if it’s a retirement.

You discover the tasks
they did
that no one acknowledged.

You need to be the glue
that holds the office
together,

and you need to make sure
they know
it’s you.

VIII. motorkhana, n.

You have to show
ambition, but not show
that you want it.

I need to cover my job
and some of Miguel’s vacuum,
but only enough

for Thomas to notice
how much more I do
than Donna.

Can’t break a sweat,
can’t tense an eyebrow—
a skyscraper in a hurricane.

IX. mossify, v.

Steal resources,
drink their water.
Thrive.

Take the spotlight,
the attention, the applause.
Thrive.

Bask in sunlight,
stretch your back.
Thrive.

Live as
they fade away.
Thrive.

X. short sauce, n.

During the interview,
I talk about
my grandmother,

specifically,
helping her
in her garden,

filling a basket

with potatoes and onions,
helping cook dinner.

That should appeal
to whatever hearts they have.
I’m a shoo-in.

XI. garbage time, n.

Act humble
when they ask how
the interview went.

Act surprised
when the announcement
is made.

Act gracious
when they offer their
vapid congratulations.

Act congenial
when they describe their visions
for the future of the company.

XII. filly-folly, n.

Donna actually thought
she might have
gotten the job.

I pretend
I appreciate her
constant, inane bullshit.

Jayden believes they’re
in the inner circle,
my number two.

Placating these babies
takes so much
of my valuable time.

XIII. dim sim, n.

The branch needs to run
efficiently, effectively,
to make me look good.

All parts must work together;
each person’s strength
must compliment the others.

The manager’s job
is so increase profit
by whatever means possible.

Modifying how
data is crunched
doesn’t hurt either.

XIV. legiferous, adj.

I rule the day-to-day
of every person
in this building.

My word directs
time, energy, resources
to complete

whatever tedious minutia
increases the company stock
by a fraction of a cent.

But, my actions are
still dictated by some asshole
I’ve never met.

XV. bahama grass, n.

Not good enough. I thought
this promotion would fill the void,
but it’s simply

not good enough. I need
to aim higher, climb the ladder—
more money, more power, more.

I’ll bury them, work them
to the ground, claim all their ideas,
accomplishments, as my own.

I’ll bury them, invade their circles,

their excluding group chats,
bring every one of them down.

XVI. pollyanna, n.

Choosing a gambit
is the hardest step.
So many possibilities,

branching paths. But,
once a decision’s made, it’s
a simple transverse wave.

It comes to me
like the line that follows
an hours-long earworm.

Our company’s never had
a woman as CEO.
This is my chance.

XVII. kund, n.

The outrage machine
has been refined by
the algorithm;

I just need
to utilize the tools
efficiently.

A hashtag here, a blogpost
there, a TikTok reposted
to Reels and YouTube Shorts.

Tears of frustration
will chip away the barricade
around the castle.

XVIII. pauciloquent, adj.

Alt accounts allow me
to amplify the outrage
without any of its slander

tracing back to me.
It’s important,
you must agree:

a thoughtful leader
does not let
the squabbles of social media

cloud her judgement,
interfere with her business,
distract her from her goals.

XIX. monstriferous, adj.

Publicly toeing
the company line
affords certain privileges.

Namely, when
the frenzied mob
arrives at the doorstep

of the national headquarters,
executives can no longer
feign ignorance.

Thus, they reach out
to me
to draft a statement.

XX. mundungus, n.

Executives
must believe they are
immortal.

After an hour,
I open the window—
fresh air.

Constant fiddling
with cigarettes, vapes,
between

their fingers and their lips.
They say it helps
them think.

XXI. dumbfoundment, n.

Somehow,
they are shocked
a statement

isn’t enough.
They thought a jpeg
would satiate

the feedback loop.
When calls for further changes
fill the replies,

they scan the directory
and the only woman in management
is me.

XXII. chinchery, n.

Pinch
a penny
here.

Make the
more experienced, more expensive
guy resign.

Save
a dollar
there.

Avoid
training costs by
hiring in-house.

XXIII. fugazi, adj. and n.

Keep moving,
so they can’t see the seam
of my human mask.

A pensive nod is
enough, enough
for solidarity.

They can believe
we are
the same.

They can believe
I’m in this
for the collective.

XXIV. daladala, n.

They hold
an actual press conference
to announce my promotion.

I’m
not just a jpeg,
not a pre-recorded video.

I get cameras, microphones,
annoying questions
from annoying journalists.

I will carry
these inept fools
on my back.

XXV. stephanian, adj.

My office is larger
than my first apartment, which I split
with three other girls in college.

It comes with an assistant
with a name
not worth remembering.

He manages my
calendar, filters
my messages.

I could spend full days
staring out my window,
talking to no one.

XXVI. fairy gold, n.

A signing bonus,
stock options,
a healthy raise.

This was the goal.
I saw it
in my dreams.

I have the power,
the money,
the peons below me.

Why am I still
empty? What will satiate
this void?

XXVII. eye-rhyme, n.

Through amalgamation,
blend in with their
stoic faces, dark suits.

Though we look similar,
I can tell
we move at different tempos.

Tough facades
over
fragile egos.

Enough phonies
to make
you puke.

XXVIII. catfish, v.

To placate Donna,
I promoted her
to manage our IT department.

It seemed a way of
giving her toothless power,
giving me progressive optics.

That was my error.
She wanted to make
a name for herself.

She opened an investigation
into the scandal’s origins.
She found my IP address.

XXIX. sorry, v.

The memos fly fast—
around me, over me,
before finally reaching me.

I learn of it
in the boardroom,
an emergency meeting.

I sit in a pool of static
as whatshisname leads Jayden
into my office.

I hate the look
on their face—
pity, disappointment.

XXX. make-a-do, n.

Waves of sound
slam into me at once
like a sonic boom—

executives in the boardroom
detailing
every breadcrumb I left,

Jayden’s unearned outrage
at my lofty ambitions
and distasteful tactics,

my barbaric yawp
into the empty space
below my desk.

XXXI. summer blink, n.

The job is gone;
my reputation trashed;
my mentions, the poison garden in Alnwick.

I avoid screens
as much as I can
to quiet my brain.

At least
there’s my severance pay
in the bank,

the upturn
in the company stock
after my exit.

In Another Man’s Mirror

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from January, 2024.

I. quaaltagh, n.

An empty theatre,
lights still up,
blank screen.

People come in, think
they’re in the wrong room.
It’s nice

to watch them figure it out,
to hear their conversation,
to see if they notice me.

II. cineliterate, adj.

Twenty-four pictures
across the screen
fill your eyes
each second.

Horns and strings
from an orchestra
outside time and space
fills your ears.

You leave your body,
a metaphysical observer
of human behavior,
their ethos and pathos—

until the person behind you coughs.

III. alethiology, n.

I know
this shouldn’t bother me so much,
but I cannot help it.

Escaping this plane,
this strung-up meat bag,
is so nice.

I feel it all
come crashing down on me
instantly.

IV. puffinry, n.

Sit through all the credits,
drive home.

A house that feels
surrounded
by rough rock walls,
cold salt water.

No one ever comes here,
but me.

V. bobol, n.

From the couch, 
framed pictures on the wall
seem to tell the story

of a family
which feels more fictional
every day.

VI. hobson’s choice, n.

He used to say, “Six of one,
half a dozen of the other.”

I had never heard that sentence
before the night we had to choose

between moving into a shitty apartment
or living with my grieving mother.

That felt like the hardest decision
I’d ever have to make,

before our love evaporated
like unattended pasta water,

before I found his ring on my finger
reflected in another man’s mirror.

VII. poncif, n.

We all imagine
we’re the main character
of the movie.

How devastating
to find your story is
derivative drivel

that gets panned by critics,
that bombs at the box office,
that teenagers call “mid.”

VIII. contrarian, n.

On the bookshelf,
by the Lego Space Needle,

there’s a selfie of us
posing at Pike Place Market.

His grin’s wide; his left arm
hugs my face into his shoulder.

I doubt
he was ever really that happy.

I doubt
he meant any of it.

IX. couscoussier, n.

I wanted
to be wanted.

I wanted
to feel something.

I didn’t think
about what it meant.

I didn’t think
about the future.

X. nidification, n.

When it’s time for bed, I

rearrange the three blankets
strewn over the couch,

empty my glass of water
into the pot of a plant he left,

load the dishwasher with
three days worth of plates,

cross off the day’s square
on the Van Gogh calendar he bought,

mentally prepare for another day.

XI. jingo-ring, n.

Everything is weightless
when I’m asleep.

Colors are bright,
my skin warm,

like the universe
is hugging me,

like the universe
understands me—

maybe, even,
forgives me.

XII. grá, n.

I keep making
too much coffee
in the morning.

I keep opening
my phone after
arriving at work.

I keep looking
at the last
message he sent.

XIII. natak, n.

He’s an actor.
We met in college
when he was the lead

in a queer retelling of
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
I was a history major

with a friend
in the costume department
who invited me to an after party.

Our hands bumped, reaching
for a slice of Hawaiian pizza.
I was enamored.

XIV. peneroso, n.

The barista asks
how I’m doing.
Their brow pinched
as they place
my chai latte
on the counter.

Dominique says I
look like shit.
“More then usual,”
she adds as
my backpack lands
on my desk.

XV. blue monday, n.

You know how someone
can say something and
it nudges all your tectonic pates?

I tell her she’s right;
I shouldn’t be working today,
and leave with no further explanation.

XVI. prince, v.

It’s unfair, the way
hot people are treated,
how people fall over themselves
to get the smallest interaction.

You don’t mind much
when you’re his boyfriend
and get the runoff.

You do mind when he’s gone,
though, and people ignore you
like the human garbage
you know you are.

XVII. figury, adj.

Back home, I wrap myself
in my tortilla blanket.

I make the mistake
of opening his Instagram page.

XVIII. bitter end, n.

His last post is
from the night I told him.

A familiar streetlamp
under a cloudy moon

outside the bookshop
near the mall.

The caption:
the chorus from “Mister Cellophane.”

XIX. gumboot dance, n.

Guilt claws at my ribs
like bald eagle talons.

Each heart beat,
a seismic event.

My teeth chatter loud
as an open palm on rubber.

My thumb hovers
over the message button.

XX. ripicolous, adj.

I’m torn between two lives,
two branches of potential futures.

One in which I apologize
and maybe he hears me
and maybe we can be together again.

Another in which I atone
for my mistakes, give him space,
and maybe I grow on my own.

But, that’s really only two possibilities
of an infinite set with endless variables.

XXI. piranesian, adj.

Without you,
I feel like

all the color has been sapped
from the world, like

I am on the floor of a cavern and
sunlight is so far away, like

life is a staircase
I’ll never reach the top of.

XXII. nobody-crab, n.

My fingers typed
the letters of the words

without my mind’s consent.
My mind and I tell them

to delete the block of text,
but my thumb,

instead, dashes to
the paper airplane.

XXIII. frontenis, n.

I lose my grip; my phone clatters
against the coffee table

loud as my heart
in my throat,

loud as a rubber ball
slamming against a concrete wall.

XXIV. bermudian english, adj.

When I look at the ceiling,
I see shapes in the shadows.

It’s odd, you know,
how people change you.

You become a mixture
of past-you and them.

Who am I now that
I’m missing part of myself?

XXV. hawker centre, n.

My phone dings,
but I can’t look at it.

I leave it in the living room,
walk around the block.

There’s a circle of food trucks
in the parking lot

of the city park behind Walmart.
I get some chicken satay,

eat it on a bench by the geese
swimming through duckweed.

XXVI. noodgy, adj.

There’s no reason
to put it off anymore.

Clouds roll in, droplets dance
across the lake surface.

I need to go back.
I need to see what he said.

XXVII. mawworm, n.

I’m fine.
I’m normal.

It’s just a message.
It doesn’t have to mean anything.

I don’t have to tie my worth
to whatever it says.

I’ll just read it, process it, and
respond to it like a normal person would.

XXVIII. lardy-dardy, adj.

I walk by the neighborhood
with well-manicured lawns,

two cars in each driveway,
curtains pulled from their windows

to show their dining rooms,
happy families eating together.

XXIX. sectator, n.

My phone lay face down,
alone, on the coffee table.

The only notification
on my home screen is from

YouTube, saying tonight’s
A Closer Look just got uploaded.

Nothing moves in the house;
nothing makes a sound.

XXX. pushmobile, n.

The logical part of me
knows to leave it all alone,

watch a movie, escape
this timeline for a while.

"But. But,"
the other part says,

"what if it never sent?
What if you missed a critical typo?"

I find the message.
He left me on Seen.

XXXI. pettibockers, n.

I am small,
thin as silk.

Exposed, vulnerale,
a rabbit in a meadow.

I almost wish a hawk
would just fall from the sky

and end
this nightmare.

Someone With My Face

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2023.

I. hornman, n.

I don’t really know 
what I’m doing anymore.

I feel like a spit valve
at the end of a show.

Every day is the same
four songs on repeat.

II. mug, adj.

Track 1:
the first things I see

are angry numbers
telling me to wake up,

roll out of bed,
make myself look human.

III. bummill baty, n.

Track 2:
I sit in a Starbucks drive-thru,

then I sit in backroad traffic
behind school buses,

before I sit in a cubicle
and enter data into a spreadsheet.

IV. mirligoes, n.

Track 3:
7359672056 tab 4214 tab 60.89 enter.

Thin, black numbers
in small, white boxes.

Veins between the pixels
come into view.

V. mingei, n.

Track 4:
Rectangles, rounded edges.

Talking heads in news rooms,
vlogs in cluttered bedrooms.

They all keep talking
into their own headphones.

VI. mizzler, n.

When does the
narrative begin?

Where is the
inciting incident?

Why must every day
bleed into the next?

VII. machinga, n.

When I was younger, people said
there were many paths.

They pitched careers like rolexes
on streets around tourist traps.

But “following my dreams”
stranded me in data entry.

VIII. raccoon, v.

Is it possible
to start over?

Take a different turn 
down a side street

on an evening walk,
not go back?

IX. anticipant, adj. and n.

Pack a duffel bag
just in case.

The mountain looms over
the end of the highway.

The exit sign shines
in the evening light.

X. rampike, adj.

A vision:
the highway twists,

decays like felled leaves
in the late-autumnal sun.

I take the exit
back home.

XI. asante sana, int. and n.

You should be thankful, Kenneth.
Many would kill

for what you have.
How dare you

take that for granted,
try to leave it all behind?

XII. whenua, n.

These trees, these hills
are home to me.

I know their stories;
they know mine.

Why would I leave
the only family I know?

XIII. shockeroo, n.

Stuck in limbo:
desire for change, comfort of not.

I am a boulder, but am I at
the bottom of a hill or the edge of a cliff?

I awake each morning
exasperated.

XIV. fetissan, adj.

Dig out my trumpet
from the back of the closet.

Lie on the bedroom floor,
on my back, eyes closed.

Let each note bounce off the ceiling
to give me an answer.

XV. minnowed, adj.

Eyes open.
Small black dots

scatter across the ceiling
like fish in a crowded pond.

The ghosts of fallen tears
connect my eyes to my ears.

XVI. deepfake, n.

At work, the next day,
I leave my body, watch

someone with my face
type on a keyboard endlessly.

Their face wrinkles, their hair greys,
They keep typing.

XVII. ecofact, n.

Above their desk
on the grey cubicle wall,

a flyer from a concert
ages ago

at Jazz Alley,
my name in large letters.

XVIII. articucho, n.

A pain in my chest
like an ice pick through my ribs.

There’s no air in this office.
Everything is so loud.

Even the lights 
are failing.

XIX. forslow, v.

Friday.
I’ll leave Friday.

I’ll pack the car,
leave the office

and never come back.
Definitely.

XX. hippodrome, v.

Friday evening.
Sparse highway.

The exit sign wears
a mask of wet leaves.

But my gas tank is low;
I can’t chance that.

XXI. raniform, adj.

Why is it
I jump

whenever I get close
to doing something

I want to do?
Why am I so scared?

XXII. snorker, n.

When I was younger,
I had a dream.

When I was younger,
I played carefree.

When I was younger,
I ran after what I wanted.

XXIII. nuchthemerinal, adj.

I sit down at the dining table
and it's Sunday.

The weekend blurred
like trees on the highway.

I haven’t moved.
I can’t move.

XXIV. apple bee, n.

An ad on Instagram.
An open mic

at the indie bookshop
downtown.

A stinger
in my chest.

XXV. duskus, n.

The sky
becomes dark

as the inside
of the bookshop

as the owner
steps up to the mic.

XXVI. raconteur, n.

Someone with my face
walks onto the stage

when my name is called.
They explain their history with

the song “Over the Rainbow”
while fiddling with their trumpet’s valves.

XXVII. racketiness, n.

Each note
out of their horn,

a memory
of a past life:

clubs, festivals, concert halls
all across the country.

XXVIII. aptronym, n.

They don't keep
to a set tempo.

Notes ebb and flow
over heads and bookshelves

like grey waves
over sea stars in tide pools.

XXIX. queemly, adv.

They smirk,
signal the audience

with a flip
of their left hand.

Their voices join
in the chorus.

XXX. merry-go-round, n.

When the last note ends,
sweat drips down my face.

Applause, cheers,
smiling faces, tears.

It feels
like home.

XXXI. delph, n.

Trumpet case
on the kitchen counter.

Bright office lights.
A din of keystrokes.

Listen to Donald Byrd
on my drive home.

Protect the Farm

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from May, 2023.

I. palabra, n.

What’s the word Dad told me
for when the sky
looks like spilled paint?

Maybe the answer
is behind that column of smoke
billowing from the silo.

II. folder, v.

I launch myself,
above the wheat.
Stalks topple in my wake.

Serena is at the base of the silo,
a torrent of water erupting
from the jewel on top of her staff.

Right. A water spell. That’s what
the word dad said was for.
I wobble as I land, prepare the spell.

III. groundhog day, n.

“My God, Finch,”
Serena yells over her shoulder.
“Any time now would be nice.”

Awkward syllables
leave my throat, water
shoots from my palm.

The charred silo glistens
in the moonlight once
we've extinguished the final ember.

“Every day,” Serena sighs,
“you’re running behind,
forgetting spells.

“I love you, etc., but
you need to get your shit together.
It’s getting harder to rely on you.”

I fidget with my wand,
not meeting her eyes, because
I know she’s right.

IV. bub, n.

When I was young,
I dreamed
of protecting the farm.

I never had Serena’s patience for
growing crops,
reading books.

Could never sit still.
Had to move. Had to run.
I needed the wind in my hair.

I could perform spells,
but not study them.
I needed to see them done first.

Dad understood. He taught
by example. He helped me
become the best flyer around.

V. misocapnist, n.

I take out a cigarette
at the end of our watch
as the sun rises over the ridge.

I take a drag, lean against
the door of stable.
Horses stir, ready to run.

Serena shakes her head, 
steps away to sit on
the tailgate of an old pickup.

She coughs. “I wish you’d wait
until I left to do that.
You know it bothers me.

“I think we should eat something,
then go back to investigate the silo.
How does that sound?”

My eyes are heavy,
my fingers twitch.
I nod.

VI. half groat, n.

Breakfast is small:
coffee, black;
toast, black.

Serena tells me about
the latest book she read
as we walk back to the silo.

I play with a coin,
flipping it between my fingers,
to stay focused.

VII. bonhomous, adj.

“Oh,” Serena says,
“sorry, Finch.
This must be so boring for you.”

I pocket the coin.
“No, it’s okay. I like
hearing what you’re excited about.”

She lifts an eyebrow.
“You’re sure? It’s just
a poet’s memoir about her divorce.”

“I’d rather listen to your TED Talk
than try to read a book,
so yeah.”

“Oh shut the fuck up,”
she laughs, shoves my shoulder,
then returns to her book commentary.

VIII. bloco, n.

Serena is talking about
her girlfriend's drum practice
when we return to the silo.

Charred chunks sizzle
in the morning sun
with an intricate rhythm.

Serena rotates her wrist;
purple mist flows from her fingers
to the pieces of silo shell.

"This should help identify
the fire's epicenter
and whether a spell was used.”

IX. char kway teow, n.

Purple tendrils spread
from chunks on the ground,
reach toward the silo’s missing torso.

Chunks and swirls
indigo and navy 
highlight on the body.

“There’s magic there,” Serena says.
She looks at me, smiles. “Let me guess.
“You want to see me do it again?”

I look between her and the silo,
move my wrist.
“Please.”

X. kalian, n.

She said the words
for the spell slowly—
awkward, archaic syllables.

I say them back to her,
rotate my wrist the way she did,
and violet strings unravel

from the spaces between my fingers.
They reach toward the silo,
but fall short.

“Hell yeah, Finch!
That’s a good start!
Let’s get closer to the source up there.

“Since my spell gave us an epicenter,
yours, up close, should be able
to discern the type of spell.”

I nod, float up the side of the burnt silo.
“Discern? Really?”
I perform the spell again.

“Fuck you. Read a book.”
Serena’s laugh stops abruptly
as her spell’s effects turned grey.

A vision appeared—
a tube, water,
so much smoke.

XI. anti-huff, n.

“A hose? And water?”
I tilt my head.
“Like a fireman?”

“Jesus. It’s 2023.”
She facepalms.
“Firefighter.

“Also no.
It’s a device that controls the fire,
prevents it from spreading.”

“So, they targeted our silo
specifically. Not even the whole farm.
But, why?”

XII. feechie, adj.

Lightning crashes,
dark clouds roll in
as we approach the ground.

“Could be real,”
Serena points her chin at the clouds.
“Could be a cover.

“They attacked our grain,
our main food source.
They must want to get to Dad.”

XIII. sodom apple, n.

Fields look different on the way back—
the hue’s not right,
like an Instagram filter.

Dad’s voice is ablaze
once we arrive in the dining room;
his open palm full of ash.

XIV. waygate, n.

Dad paces the hallway
as mom reaches for an apple
from the basket on the table.

It turns to ash in her hand
as Serena and I tell them
about what we found at the silo.

Their worry is palpable;
it takes up all the oxygen
in the house.

Dad protests when I say 
I’m going to find
the person who did this.

Mom jolts to her feet,
her chair groans against the floor,
when Serena says she’s going too.

XV. washikong, n.

Mom lectures about
the dangers of traveling
as I tie my shoes.

I repeat our contingency plans to Dad
like a student cramming for an exam
as I pack my backpack.

Serena and I say goodbye,
fly across the farm
toward the city.

XVI. barber’s block, n.

At the edge of town
is a strip mall and
between a Great Clips

and a Wild Birds Unlimited,
there’s a cracked gutter,
and when you peel it back,

a doorway appears.
That’s where
the alchemist works.

XVII. buildering, n.

The alchemist’s shop
is at the roof of a building
hidden in the gutter alley.

For protection
(or just to be a dick),
there are no stairs,

no door from inside.
His magic affects gravity,
makes flying too difficult.

We have to climb the exterior—
fingertips on brick edges,
toes on windowsills.

XVIII. toyo, n.

The alchemist sits
behind his desk, a bowl
of fried rice in one hand,

a half-full bottle
of soy sauce
in the other.

He nods at us in the doorway,
wipes his mouth with his sleeve,
waves us forward.

XIX. geeksville, n.

We tell the alchemist about the silo.
He and Serena click instantly—
fucking nerds.

He has many clarifying questions;
Serena answers with many big words.
I run my fingertips over the labels

of potion bottles he has on display.
He snaps his fingers, flips through pages
of a floating, translucent spellbook.

XX. ohana, n.

The alchemist rubs his chin.
“Looks to be the work of a sorcerer
much too dangerous for you kids.”

I slam my hands on the counter.
“It’s our family. They have no food.
We have to fix it.

“Do you know who did it?
Or have something to stop the rot?
Or do we need to find someone else?”

XXI. cabinet particulier, n.

He pinches the bridge of his nose,
sighs. “Fine. It looks like
the handiwork of Rauldor.

“He’s a restaurateur
whose latest pop-up
seeks to redefine French cuisine.

“My guess is
your father refused his offer,
and this is retribution.

“I’ll arrange a reservation for you,
so you can get some intel.” A pause.
“Do you have… formal wear?”

XXII. adumbrant, adj.

Ties are so uncomfortable.
Whoever decided men
needed to be strangled

to show formality
has never had to work
with their hands.

Rauldor’s pop-up
is in the shadow of
the movie theatre’s spire.

The entrance moves down the street
throughout the evening,
disappears at dusk.

XXIII. zelotypia, n.

Rauldor has a vibe
which escapes words—
but it’s in his eyes.

There’s a constant sense
of calculation, comparison
in the twitch of his pupils.

He walks between tables,
eyes and rotates flower vases,
adjusts the knot of his tie.

XXIV. noctilucent, adj.

Serena casts spells
subtly under her menu
as we wait for bread—

bread, apparently,
from grain we grew
at home.

She says there’s so much
ambient magic in the air,
she won’t be noticed.

I twirl my fork,
watch the waitstaff walk
into and out of the kitchen.

Rauldor’s hair,
a storm cloud always visible
across the dim dining area.

XXV. broad acres, n.

This fucking guy.
As Rauldor makes his rounds,
he talks to each table about

his fresh ingredients,
his gourmet cooking,
his influences from his travels.

Insufferable.
Serena uses a spell to
tip over a platter as a diversion.

I turn to shadow,
roll along the baseboard
toward his office.

XXVI. milver, n.

I move around the kitchen—
smoke from the grill,
boiling water for pasta,

so many tubes
bringing water in,
sucking up smoke.

Serena said Rauldor
would probably have something—
a ring, gem, or scroll—

to undo the curse
once our father caved
to his demands.

Once through the gap between
the floor and the office door,
I see a banner above his computer which reads:

“‘Your focus
determines your reality.’
— Qui-Gon Jinn.”

Dad has the same quote,
the same banner,
in his office at home.

XXVII. paanwallah, n.

I reach toward the banner
slow as the summer sun,
lift the pushpin in the corner.

Focused, measured,
cannot make a sound.
There’s a picture behind the banner.

Rauldor, youthful,
a Culinary Institute hoodie,
and my dad in his UC Davis shirt.

Its corner bent,
taped down
hurriedly.

I peel the tape gently, carefully,
find a hole in the drywall with
a raindrop-shaped gem on the end of a chain.

It’s cold in the palm of my hand
as I scoop it up, but then
a ripple of heat emanates from the hole.

An alarm. Duh. I quickly
tape the picture down, replace the banner,
slip back into the shadow.

XXVIII. wayfere, n.

Rauldor’s French (I assume)
booms through the kitchen
as I slink to the bathroom.

I emerge in an empty stall,
wash my hands,
head back to our table.

I ask about the commotion,
pat my breast pocket,
say I’m too full for dessert.

Serena says a waiter tripped,
the check’s taken care of,
we’re good to go.

I feel like an alien
performing a human impression
as we walk out of the restaurant.

A man, outside, says
we’re dressed awfully fancy to see
the Super Mario movie.

We laugh hard,
whether to his joke or out of relief,
I don’t know.

Around the corner, we try to fly home.
While Serena is successful,
I remain planted to the ground.

The gem, she says, must have
some strange gravitational pull,
so we begin walking home instead.

Serena asked what really happened,
once at a safe distance, then lists
the shenanigans she pulled to buy me time.

The city’s not so bad—
streetlights, the moon
light our way home.

XIX. ombrology, n.

The gem throbs against my chest
as we approach the edge of our farm,
the silo’s skeleton in the light of dawn.

Something tells me—
a wordless radiation—
I have to crush the gem.

Serena stops when I walk toward the silo.
She yells when I take out the gem.
She takes off when my fist consumes it

and I pour
its dust
into the ashes.

The sky becomes white,
the air becomes cool,
and Serena tackles me.

She yells and cries,
bangs her fist on my chest.
Hopelessness consumes her eyes.

Then rain begins to fall.
Rain falls
and the fields turn green.

XXX. gordon bennett, int.

Serena laughs,
struggles to breathe,
falls back into the grass arms wide.

The rain’s cool on my face.
From the ground, I see beams
reposition themselves into a silo.

When we get up, we realize our clothes—
the alchemist’s formal wear—
are covered in mud.

The walk back to the house is slow.
The rain feels right, new.
Our house even looks brighter.

Mom and Dad are
double-fisting apples while
two steaks cook on the grill.

They stop when they see us, cheer,
lift and spin us around in celebration,
then eat their steaks off the grill with their hands.

They hadn’t eaten all day, Mom says. 
Afraid to destroy what they had left.
The rain told them something was fixed.

XXXI. blood and thunder, n.

Around the third knife fight,
Dad starts to doubt
my story.

Worse, Serena
doesn’t even back my up.
She tells them the truth,

even though our parents’s
unfounded fear of the city
is hilarious.

When explaining how I got the gem,
I hesitate mentioning the picture;
it feels too private, something I shouldn’t know.

But, Serena operates on
a whole-truth principle,
so I bring it up.

Dad’s quiet, makes a face
that looks like he has to chew
his thoughts into words.

“We were friends in college, yes,” he says,
‘but Rauldor’s changed a lot since then.
You’ve done enough, Finch.

“You’ve served your family well.
Thank you.
Let me take care of the rest."

The World Is Ending

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from April, 2023.

I. smittle, v.

The world is ending.

The world is ending and
you want to go get groceries.

You want to 
"Keep Calm and Carry On" 
the apocalypse.

The world is ending and
you "just need some cold medicine."

The world is ending.

My world
is ending.

II. schlafrock, n.

Wrapped in your robe, you lie
on the couch under a fleece blanket,
a cough drop skating around your mouth.

Snow falls fast, mixed with audible rain
outside the sliding glass door,
blinds turned toward the opposite wall.

I turn the stove off as steam erupts
from the kettle, whose water I pour
into a mug shaped like a camper van.

The bag of chamomile bobs to the surface
looking for air; exhausted, it floats
in defeat, waits for the end.

III. naumachia, n.

That was the last time before
the news broke. Before
the apocalypse arrived

as a push notification
on your phone. “Worst Case
Scenario,” you say. “Go.”

I reply, “Worst Case Scenario:
You cough so much at night that
we’re up all night and I fall asleep at work.”

“Worst Case Scenario:
I wake up so covered in mucus,
you realize I’m too disgusting to be with.”

“Worst Case Scenario:
You die and I end up starving to death,
because I forgot how to cook anything.”

“That would be pretty bad,” you laugh,
cough into your blanket, place your phone
face down on the coffee table.

IV. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, adj.

You like to watch Mary Poppins
when you’re overwhelmed.
An escape when no other
can be found.

V. grass line, n.

During the movie, you sink
below the hem of your blanket.

Your breathing is heavy, labored
through bubbling mucus.

You say, “A spoonful of sugar
wouldn’t do shit.”

These things help me know
you’re still here.

VI. paenula, n.

Priests visit our house
three days after
the apocalypse began,
sent by the hospital.

The doctors assumed
it would help. The priests
left Bibles and crosses
on the dining table. 

They live in denial of
the end of days
already being here —
delusional.

VII. shishya, n.

We met at a training
for new teachers
the district required,
even though we had both taught
for several years prior.

We sat at the same table
in an elementary school library.
The instructional coach lead us
in too many icebreakers; we complained
about our wasted time instead.

VIII. om mani padme hum, n. (and int.)

In the morning,
after work, or
after your daily walk
around the neighborhood,

you sit on the patio
in a camping chair
next to pots of tomatoes
who refuse to grow.

IX. singeli, n.

It’s hard to breathe
when the world is ending.

Smoke envelops the sky
in a gnarled yellow hue.

My heartbeats as intense as
when the bass drops in an edm song.

X. anago, n.

I insist on going to the store
for cold medicine.

I walk through the aisles
like a red-tailed hawk after its prey.

I stop by Trapper’s when I’m done
to surprise you with your favorite dinner.

XI. ristra, n.

I find you on the couch
surrounded by used tissues
under a garland of peppers

your mother sent for luck
after she heard
the world is ending.

XII. ogogoro, n.

You’ve been drinking more
since your diagnosis.

Soothes your throat,
helps you sleep,

helps you escape
your body.

XIII. volksliedjie, n.

I remember
our first concert.

You told me about this band
I’d never heard of

who played a genre
I’d never heard of.

You told me their songs
were full of magic.

XIV. wax comb, n.

We walk a bit further each day
to build up your endurance.

You want to climb Tiger Mountain
one more time.

XV. plámás, v.

You scoff when
I tell you you’re getting better.

You argue when
I say you’re not gross.

XVI. quotingly, adv.

You read articles about recent studies,
checkout medical journals from the library.

You tell me about the many branches
of if-thens in our future.

XVII. nemorivagant, adj..

We start our hike up Tiger Mountain
around dawn.

A slow pace with many breaks
in our ascent.

Once at the summit, you sit on
a rock,

watch the afternoon sun crawl over
Fall City.

XVIII. coursable, adj.

My paycheck goes to
various bills and groceries—

integers and decimals
losing meaning

each day.
All we have is time.

XIX. ventilary, adj.

I’m sorry, but sometimes,
when you fall asleep before me,

I listen to you snore, the rhythm,
where it becomes irregular.

XX. omen, v.

It’s difficult to not think about
the number of tissues in the trash,

the amount of wine you drink,
the increasing hours you sleep.

XXI. yum cha, n.

During your afternoon nap,
I clean up dishes from brunch.

Your tea empty, your plate still
covered in spring rolls.

XXII. novaturient, adj.

A spring breeze rolls
through our house.

You sleep the whole night through,
wake with a zeal not seen

in weeks—maybe months?
You make us coffee, eat breakfast,

begin tidying the living room,
washing and folding blankets.

Feels like the sun emerging
from behind a storm cloud.

XXIII. squaretail, n.

You’re mostly quiet as you walk around
the lake by our neighborhood.

But you still say hello to every squirrel,
every crow and goose.

XXIV. pad, n.

The world ends
the 24th of April.

I wake up
around 3 am.

You are cold
and still.

I hyperventilate through
our address with a dispatcher.

XXV. ombré, n.

I watch the sunrise
through the sliding glass door
of the hospital lobby.

Stripes cut through the clouds,
sections that aren’t ready
to move on yet.

XXVI. manhwa, n.

When a doctor calls my name,
tells me about the apocalypse
in a calm tone,

my vision is stuck on
The God of High School
playing on a kid’s iPad.

XXVII. flag-off, n.

It starts— the forms,
paperwork, phone calls—
so many phone calls.

I have to keep saying you’re dead.
Present tense.
Forever.

XXVIII. queachy, adj.

Our house feels uneven—
a slow-motion
earthquake, or
maybe
a blackhole
ripped through the living room.

XXIX. spaza, n.

Our neighbors and coworkers
set up a meal train
on some website.

Someone’s knocks
echo through our cavernous house
at random intervals,

leave casseroles, gift cards,
plastic bags of plastic containers,
on the doormat.

XXX. bodega, n.

The world has ended.

The world has ended and
people stand in line at the store.

They want to 
carry on like
nothing’s happened.

The world has ended and
they need something to take the edge off.

The world has ended.

No one seems
to care.

Have I always been this way?

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from January, 2023.

I. wardour street, adj. and n.

Back in ninth grade,
after our English class read Romeo & Juliet,
Dom kept speaking
in fake medieval diction.

She’d spend lunch telling me about
the latest episode of Riverdale 
with the occasional ‘ye’ and ’t’was,’
a smattering of ‘-eth’ suffixes.

II. Ideogenous, adj.

Dom used to write stories all the time.
During class, her laptop
would be open for ‘note-taking,’
but she would be deep into
her latest Reylo fanfiction.

III. collabo, v.

The first time Dom spoke to me,
she asked me to help with a piece she wanted to play
for the solo and ensemble contest.

She was taking a mute out of her trumpet;
I was putting the marimba part of “So What” in my folder.
The hollow sound of her emptying her spit valve

filled the time it took me to understand.
I never thought I was that good or noticeable.
I accepted the opportunity.

IV. amigurumi, n.

I have a squid on my desk,
small, purple, a tiny grin,
that Dom knit me
before she moved away.

I think about messaging her
every time I see it,
but get too afraid
to type anything.

V. groceteria, n.

The morning of the solo and ensemble contest,
Dom said we needed to stop at the Haggen
by my apartment complex to get
AriZona Arnold Palmers for good luck.

She walked across the store
like her life depended on it.
The cashier complimented our suits.
We chugged them in the high school parking lot.

VI. misogamous, adj.

Dom texted me
during winter break our sophomore year
upset her mom got engaged to her boyfriend.

She didn’t understand
how her mom could happily participate
in such patriarchal traditions.

VII. y’alls, pron.

When the judge announced
our performance of “Take Five”
won the small ensemble category,
the audience erupted.

VIII. roscidating, adj.

I sit at my computer,
doomscrolling,
alone.

Dom’s squid stares at me.
I need to talk to someone,
but what would I even say?

IX. red queen, n.

She always wanted to get better
at whatever she was fixated on.
She encouraged me to do the same.

She even showed me her earlier fanfiction, which was
so terrible she swore to never share it.
But she trusted me.

X. cabinet able, adj.

I used to eat lunch in the library.
Well, I’d sit in the library during lunch.
But Dom invited me to sit with her and her friends
after we started practicing for the contest.

It was like starting a series
halfway through the third season,
piecing together names and plots
everyone else already knows.

XI. ajangle, adj. and adv.

I remember the sound distinctly:
the chime my phone made
when Dom texted me 
to tell me her stepdad got relocated;
they’d have to move during spring break.

I remember the sound distinctly:
the chime my phone made
when I learned my best friend
was leaving in the middle
of our senior year.

My phone has been on silent since.

XII. coachy, adj.

Junior year, when my grandpa got sick,
Dom drove me from school to the hospital.
She refused my offer for gas money,
said it’s what friends do.

XIII. blankety, adj.

I don’t have another way to describe it.
When I was around her, I felt safe.

She understood me
in a way most people don’t.

XIV. galdem, n.

For me, it was hard feeling part of the group.
I always felt outside, apart.

When Dom invited me to her lunch table,
she made sure I was part of the conversation.

It’s because of her I was able to make the friends
I had, the memories I have. She made it so easy.

XV. satoshi, n.

Is this what distance does?
Does the past live behind rose-tinted glass?
Does she remember me this way:
emphases on my positives, whatever they are?

Or, does she remember how much she did for me,
how little I could return?
Does her mind filter me through the windows
of an abandoned home?

XVI. cyberslacking, n.

I don’t even know what I’m afraid of.
Sometimes, when a professor’s lecture is slow, 
I search Dom’s name on Instagram
to see what she’s been up to.

I don’t follow her, too afraid
of her seeing the notification
with my name, remembering how
I disappeared, then blocking me.

XVII. mindstyle, n.

Have I always been this way?
Has it always been the case that
the walls around me were
constructed by me?

Am I to blame for my own isolation?
How couldn’t I see it before?
Why can’t I
change it?

XVIII. barnstorm, v.

In the spring of freshman year,
our jazz band did several performances
at nearby memory care places.

Dom was so excited to be a traveling bard,
she memorized several sonnets and monologues
by Shakespeare to recite between songs.

XIX. bumble broth, n.

The week after she moved,
she texted me, asking how I’d been,
apologizing for not reaching out earlier
overwhelmed with travel and unpacking.

Words flooded me. Where
would I even start?
I couldn’t even find the words
for what I was feeling.

XX. cruyff turn, n.

For a while, I tried diversion:
ask about her day,
ask about her mom,
ask about Euphoria.

Much easier to read and listen to her
than find words of my own.

XXI. booze can, n.

I remember the first time
I felt the fractures grow.

It was a month after she moved. My dads
were at a school counselor conference.

I raided the liquor cabinet in hopes
it would loosen my lips, find my words.

The words that came were hurt,
full of confrontation, resentment.

XXII. dumbsizing, n.

She didn’t text me for several days.
I didn’t blame her.
It was never the same afterward.

Time between messages grew 
like moss
after a rainstorm.

XXIII. kitbash, v.

The way she’d play trumpet,
write her stories—
she’d draw connections
between unlike things, create
something I’d never seen before.

XXIV. durex, n.

We were inseparable once.
Each afternoon at one of our homes,
homework and horror movies,
walks through the parks

at our neighborhoods’ edges.
We’d share AirPods and secrets
before school, at lunch, at games
our boyfriends made us attend.

XXV. ramfeezled, adj.

I’m standing at the end
of the bread aisle staring
at the everything bagels,
her favorite breakfast.

I miss her so much.
What’s the worst that can happen?
I already have nothing.
I already am nothing.

XXVI. skyrgalliard, n.

There’s a beehive in my chest.
Words fill the windshield
on my way home.
I activate the wipers
to sift through them.

XXVII. shockle, n.

We did a morning hike at Franklin Falls
the last day of winter break senior year.

We packed two thermoses of hot chocolate,
drank them at the base of the frozen waterfall.

We talked about our families, the future,
decisions we would have to make.

XXVIII. chup, int. and adj.

My natural state is silent.
It’s easy to listen to other people talk.

It’s much more difficult to say something,
to be open and vulnerable to someone else.

XXIX. mopery, n.

On her last day, I couldn’t
drive home from school.

I sat in the parking lot
on the hood of my car.

She said she had to go,
had to finish packing.

I watched her drive away,
then sat and cried

until security came
to shoo me away.

XXX. send-forth, n.

I helped organize a party
to tell Dom goodbye.

We marathoned Star Wars movies,
ate bagels, drank Arnold Palmers.

It was the last time we were in the same room,
the last time we laughed together.

XXXI. navel-gazer, n.

Stare at the ceiling for an hour,
dig my phone out of my bag,

take a deep breath, 
open Instagram, find her profile,

hit follow, open a message,
type the first words that come to me,

hit send, enable sound,
throw my phone across the living room.

It dings.

I wasn’t good at being good

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from December, 2022.

I. carbonado, n.

Um, hello?
I hope this gets to you
at all. I know
I haven’t sent anything
in a while. I want
to explain. And yes,
I’ll get to the mark on my face.

II. finger trap, n.

I need to start at the beginning.
You must have known
I needed to leave.

Whenever I had tried running,
something tethered me —
feet in quicksand.

I didn’t know
I’d actually break away.
I didn’t know
I wouldn’t be able to get back.
I’m sorry.

III. amor, n.

I guess
it was just that—
Dad always
loved you more.

You had basketball trophies,
positive comments on your report cards.
He always said
he never had to worry about you.

I had shit; I had to earn his love.
Sometimes, I thought I had it,
but it would fade away
like the doppler effect of a siren.

That’s why
I did all this:
I had to aim so high,
he’d be forced to see me.

IV. dunning-kruger, n.

I thought I had it—
I thought I had it—
I thought I had it
under control.
I swear.

V. eustress, n.

I knew what I signed up for—
I was going to be
in the first group of people
to terraform Mars.

I had the degrees, the years
of research. My name
was announced on cable news.

I was a leader in our shuttle.
People listened to me,
asked me for guidance.
I couldn’t get enough.

VI. palustrine, adj.

It was like when we were kids,
back at the lake, catching newts
in a plastic bucket.

I always needed to catch more
than you, staying out
after the fireflies showed up.

VII. perfectibilist, n.

It was arrogant to think
we could do better than this.

It was arrogant to think
we could start over.

It was arrogant to think
there was nothing here before us.

VIII. soz, adj.

I’m sorry
all this is coming to you
in pieces.

I had to reconfigure our transmitter
with spare parts of
our landing rig.

IX. carnyx, n.

I took the controls
in our final descent,
convinced I should do it,
only I could do it.

I missed a switch,
a small mistake, enough
to damage the hull.

An alarm echoed
through the ship until
someone else 
repaired the necessary parts.

X. bambi, int. and adv.

The repairs set us back 
several hours.
When it was safe and
I was finally allowed
out of the ship,
I stood on red earth,
saw maroon mountains
meet black sky,
an overwhelming array of stars
around a blue dot
where I knew
you all were.

XI. rantipole, n.

They stopped talking to me,
stopped asking me questions.
I could see
hastily-constructed walls
flash across their faces
when they saw me in the hall.

I offered to help;
they said they had it
under control.

XII. boykie, n.

This keeps happening.
I always get in my own way.

I go too far into the water,
lose my balance in the silt.

Why were my successes
never enough?

I couldn't just pass my tests,
I had to be better than all my classmates.

I couldn't just go to Mars,
I had to lead the people who went to Mars.

XIII. yampy, adj.

Dad was right.
You are the better son.
You wouldn't have
put the lives of your crewmates in jeopardy
to serve your ego.

He never made you attend
your parent-teacher conferences.
I had to sit there
while he voiced every disappoint,
while each teacher reached for any solution.

XIV. bretheling, n.

I joined the survey team
to earn the crew's respect back.
It involved walking alone,
away from their bitter eyes.

In addition to creating a map
of the surrounding area, we were looking
for somewhere to build our base.
That's when I found the cave.

XV. ballyhoo, n.

I updated the map,
sent an alert to the leadership team.
They called me to the conference room,
where they sat around a long table,
cluttered with annotated reports and blueprints.

I stood before them, detailed the cave's location;
its approximate volume; how much time, effort,
material it would take to build a sustainable base.
I-

I emphasized
its safety.

XVI. devil’s coach-horse, n.

There were so many things we-
I didn't know:
the actual depth of the cave,
the small holes within its walls,
the boring insects who created them.

XVII. sambaza, v.

Our ship was modular,
created to be dismantled,
room by room,
once a long-term location was found.

I assisted groups of people pack, travel,
and reconfigure their rooms in the cave.
They thanked me for my help, my discovery,
made eye contact with me again.

XVIII. dreidel, n.

We had a feast
once everyone was housed in the cave,
most of the landing rig left as 
a monument in the red desert
for where our settlement began.

People laughed, ate, played games.
They were so happy.
It would be
the last time that feeling was shared.

XIX. carboy, n.

The next morning,
Hisashi, our agriculturist,
lead his team to establish
micro- and macrocrops
within and outside the cave.

He asked for my help
surveying the land, showed me
all the tubes and bottles for
his complex compost system
and his set up for brewing beer.

XX. hagwon, n.

Many people invited me to help them,
learn their roles.
I was accepted again, fully.
I was seen as a leader again.
I was learning so much.
Things were going so well.

XXI. rinky-dink, n.

So, you should
be able to see the wall behind me.
If it's not in focus, just know that
the shelves have fallen over,
the posters and pictures ripped.

You can actually see 
on this shelf panel, the holes
from the insects that live here.

It fell apart slowly. An air leak
in one of the rooms deepest in.
Patch work covered it, we moved on.
Then more leaks, more patchwork,
until Gloriana died in her sleep.

XXII. mondialization, n.

Gloriana was the lead
of the communication team.
They were constructing the transmitter
to report our progress back to Earth.

Our first report, as you well know, was
her death, no explanation or cause.

XXIII. lip-sync, v.

There was debate
about whether to share
that information right away.

There was debate
about whether to carry on
like nothing happened.

For days, we
cosplayed professionalism:
did the tasks on the docket,
said words with no real meaning.

XXIV. zilch, v.

They left no one.
There's no one
left.

I
examined Gloriana's body,
her room, to look for clues.

Day by day, there was less of her,
not natural decay, chunks bitten off
her limbs.

XXV. christmas, v.

On Earth, I think it was Christmas
when I made that realization.

I wrote a report, took some pictures,
presented my findings to the leadership team.

Two of them were absent. We assumed
they were on an assignment or

were recording messages to send
to their families for the holidays.

We were wrong.

XXVI. hanukkiah, n.

The next day, the lights went out.
Emergency flashlights under our cots
lead us through the hallways.

As we approached the power sector,
there was a whirring sound,
like an engine low on oil.

When the door opened, our flashlights
were whipped out of our hands
by a gust of wind escaping

through a large hole in the wall.
Shards of Tenzin's sweater caught on its rim,
their severed hand on the emergency shut-off lever.

XXVII. chindogu, n.

It all went fast then;
panic has a way of
exacerbating things.

We huddled together,
surrounded by machines
that were utterly useless then.

Gathered in one of the central modules,
we concentrated our food, water, spacesuits,
smuggled weapons and ad hoc ones.

XXVIII. bak kut teh, n.

Hisashi set out on his own,
knife in hand,
to find a specimen
to examine, develop a strategy
for attack.

He returned dangling a beetle
the size of a football
by its antennae.
It oozed a viscous blood,
shade of mulberry.

After some poking, prodding,
he suggested
someone should take a bite
to see if its edible
in case our food supply runs low.

I volunteered.
It all felt like my fault.
It was the least I could do.
As my teeth sank into its flesh,
the floor rumbled, erupted.

XXIX. mugwamp, n. and adj.

A swarm of them
fell like hailstones,
bounced like rubber bullets,
sank teeth and pincers
into whatever they found.

We scattered, ran for the exit,
but there stood the largest of them,
the size of a loveseat,
shrapnel lodged in its exoskeleton,
human blood in its teeth.

Hisashi and I charged with sharpened table legs,
hoping to distract it away from the doorway
while others fled to safety.
They all fell to the swarm, Hisashi fell
when a pincer stabbed his stomach.

Sharp pincers, legs scraped my face as I escaped
alone, the captain of a solo-mission.
I ran to the communications room, this room right here,
through a drafty hallway,
this room, the last lung to hold air.

XXX. dear john, n.

You’re going to learn about this
through an official communication
someday soon.
I typed it up and sent it to NASA
soon as I caught my breath.

But, I needed you to hear it from me.
I needed you to know I tried.
I needed you to see my face one last time,
know we fought back.
I needed you to know no one else should come here.

XXXI. mukbang, n.

I can hear them now
in the walls.

They’re going to get in
any minute now.

I’m not going to make it
back home.

So, I just want you to know
I lo-

Starting Over

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from October, 2022.

I. light head, n. and adj.

Today is a new day.
I’m going to turn it all around.

Roll out of bed, complete a yoga routine
with my phone propped
against the lamp on my nightstand.

A quick shower, a quick breakfast
that I eat on my way to the bus stop.

Nothing is going to stop me.

II. per fas et nefas, adv.

Headphones in as I approach the stop.
No one is going to ruin my day.

No one is going to bring me down.
Lizzo will keep me afloat.

III. downpressor, n.

Bus pulls up,
everyone files on,
backpacks knock against each other,
people, doorframes, seats.

Bus driver’s voice mumbles through
his expectations. It’s early enough
that people quiet down for him,
but I leave my headphones in,

wait for his voice to stop,
the bus din to return,
the yellow dashes in the road
to scroll by underfoot.

IV. alieniloquy, n.

The thing about
the lines on the road
is that they’re hypnotizing
as they fly by.

An intermittent, off-yellow flash
carries your mind to
some elsewhere
without dimensions in time or space.

And when they end
at the parking lot’s edge,
you suddenly remember
you have to go to first period.

V. bobsled, v.

Hallways are full of bodies—
a current
pulls me right to Ms. Acevedo’s
classroom.
I don’t remember moving
my feet.

VI. rhubarb, n. and adj.

Throat’s tight.
Swallow the past, Tori;
this is a new chapter.
I put a smile on my face
convincing enough
to fool everyone
at my cooking station.

VII. lightning bird, n.

I’m holding steady until
he enters the room.
His hair curling
under the edge of his hat.
A jolt in my chest—
why
do I want to cry and smile
at the same time?

VIII. dump cake, n.

I look down at our counter,
can’t look up,
need to forget
he’s here.

Ms. Acevedo gives instructions;
I don’t hear them.
Shay does, assumes the role
of our group’s leader.

She tells me to measure and pour
baking powder, salt, flour
in a bowl and stir. I see his face
in the powdery mountain range.

IX. dunnish, adj.

Eli asks if I’m done mixing.
I nod and xe dumps
my bowl into xyrs, mixes.

I look up, the room’s colors
seem to be on a dimmer switch—
it looks like the sky
an hour before thunder.

X. folx, n.

Ms. Acevedo address the class
about over safety protocols.
Shay and Eli discuss
how to decorate our cake.

I sneak a headphone
through my sleeve to my palm,
rest it against my ear.
Hayley Williams yells about misery.

XI. ice blink, n.

The bell releases us
to the sea, a long voyage
to our next classes.

Stare ahead at nothing;
looks better than watching
bow waves collide.

Mr. Persson’s display for
the Revolutionary War
overwhelms his end of the hallway.

XII. birdscape, n.

Respite 
among war stories,
since
he’s in math class.
I
can stretch my wings,
restart
the new me.

XIII. bodgie, v.

New Tori
writes her notes in cursive.

New Tori
nods her head while someone talks.

New Tori
asks questions during lectures.

New Tori
has her shit together.

XIV. chugalug, v.

I drink from my water bottle
throughout third period,
which helps me focus
on geometric proofs—
tonight’s homework.

I get in the zone, my homework
finished, ten minutes to spare,
an empty water bottle.
I ask Mx. Archer to go to the bathroom.
They tell me to go fast.

XV. mediocritize, v.

You are never going to change.
There is no “New Tori.”

You are the same piece of shit
you were yesterday.

You are alone for a reason.
It was obvious he’d leave.

You are deluding yourself into thinking
anyone would like you.

I scramble for my headphones,
play the loudest Sleater-Kinney song I find.

XVI. spreathed, adj.

I feel cracks spread across my arms
as I enter the bathroom.
They become deep, wide;
demons rise from the dark crevasses.

I feel the boiling spittle drip
from their open maws,
their claws pierce my skin
as they push off to take flight.

It burns and I scratch, hoping
my nails bury them alive,
but they keep sprouting
like weeds in an unkempt garden.

XVII. ignorantism, n.

Shay enters the bathroom as I leave,
gives a small wave,
looks at my arms—
radiant pink, thin scratch marks
all over my forearms.

She tilts her head, her brows concerned,
starts to ask a question
she doesn’t have words for.
I tell her
I’m okay.

XVIII. monkey bear, n.

I don’t know why I can’t calm.
Why is it so hard
to stand still, to quiet
the thoughts that clash in my head
like marbles against a mirror?

I watch the branches on the tree
outside Mx. Archer’s window
sway in the wind as the bell rings.
Everyone gets up and leaves robotically,
but I just sit there, unable to look away.

XIX. dark thirty, n.

I see it clearly still—
the madrone branches
dripping into the sound 
as we sat in the bed of his truck,
watched the sky above Vashon turn pink.

My hand in his, a blanket between
us and a cloudless sky.
He poured coffee from a thermos,
told me he loved me. He said
he’d never hurt me.

XX. amoretto, n.

I was warm then;
I thought it boundless.
I wrote his name
in different styles in the
margins of my notebooks.

I lost focus in every class.
Doodles— abstract shapes, hearts—
left on every scrap of paper
in my backpack. I wrote
poems, left them in his locker.

XXI. nightertime, n.

Mx. Archer asks
if I want to eat lunch in their room,
if that’s why I haven’t left.
I shrug, nod, but really,
I’m not there;

I’m still lying in bed at
three in the morning, looking
at my phone, reading the last
message he sent me to make sure
I understood each word.

XXII. chuddies, n.

The chill of the metal chair
on my thighs brings me back.
I regret that New Tori decided
her style is yoga shorts and large sweatshirts
regardless of the weather outside or in.

Bell rings and I’ve eaten nothing
again. Frustration builds up behind my eyes;
I’m supposed to be better than this now.
Mx. Archer throws a granola bar at my desk,
tells me to eat it on my way to class.

XXIII. gist, v.

Suffice it to say
I inhaled the granola bar
on the way to English.
I listen to Big Freedia,
need to explode to start anew.

XXIV. menehune, n.

How could I have ever thought
I could start over
overnight, as if
it would ever be that simple?
I need to confront him.

XXV. yo, int. and n.

Chemistry. That’s when
I’ll see him next. That’s when
I’ll tell him what’s on my mind. 
I spend English drafting the words
I need to say to make him understand.

XXVI. drooking, n.

I stand outside the chemistry room,
waiting for him to show up.
I take a sip from my water bottle
when I see him round the corner
holding Melanie’s hand.

There’s a white flash and I feel
my fingers tighten into a fist,
a scratch grow inside my throat.
My water bottle points at
his waterlogged hat and shirt.

XXVII. grrr, v.

In my chest, a beehive
hit with a baseball bat,
their wings bristle against my skin.
I fly away before he says a word,
before an adult makes me talk about it.

XXVIII. mosker, v.

What was once vibrant, warm,
soured, cold and bitter as coffee dregs.
My throat on fire, I heave
by the mailboxes in the
neighborhood behind the school.

It’s over. There was never any chance.
You don’t get a fresh start.
You will always be the second choice,
alone, a fucked up girl
no one will remember.

XXIX. sabo, n.

He knew I’d be there.
He knew I’d see them.
He must have wanted me
to see them together, to see
how he’s moved on already.

They’re probably laughing now
at what a fool I am to believe
there was any possibility
of reconciliation, to believe
I am worth anything to anyone.

XXX. ablepsy, n.

My vision gets blurry, goes black.
I sit on the curb, dig my headphones
out of my pockets. My phone trembles
in my hands; I can’t see the screen,
can’t make the sounds to activate Siri.

Silence envelops me. I drop my phone,
don’t hear it hit the asphalt.
My breathing becomes muted; my chest
heaves, but there’s no sound— no air.
I don’t know what to do.

XXXI. jack-o’-lantern, n.

A light, an arm's length away,
appears, slowly retreats. I reach for
the light, a face amongst the dark, which
welcomes me, accepts me.
Why is it leaving?

I reach, lose balance; my palms,
knees slam the road. Pebbles
make homes in my skin. The light
fades like the sun over the horizon.
I evaporate as mist in the void.