Through the Window of Your Car

I look through the window of your car 
a week after you went missing, no hope
of seeing you there.

The patience of the hardware store owner
dwindles with the police’s efforts to
organize search parties.

Flowers in the altar around your bumper
stretch into the adjacent spaces,
wilt in the autumn sun.

I come here every day after school
to tell you what you missed, no hope
of hearing your voice.

The saddest people to lay bouquets,
the same ones who bullied you
seven months ago.

They tell stories of how you joked around,
then repost some hotlines and hashtags on
their Instagram stories.

I only remember their faces
contorted in laughter after
calling you a slur.

The sun sets earlier each day.
I feel its growing shadow, no hope
of seeing you again.

In Your Hands #4: You hunt for food.

Your bow readied, an arrow between your fingers. You crouch, walk toward the rustling on the balls of your feet.

You’ve hunted plenty of times before. Stalking always feels like it takes forever, but you know, logically, only a fraction of the time you feel actually goes by. Your eyes adjust to the shadows, the setting sun, making your slow steps avoid fallen branches and crunchy leaves with ease.

Pause. Wait for another hint, a misplaced step, to dictate your direction. You hear it: a leaf ripped form a stem, a hundred feet or so away from you.

One step. Another. Ready your arrow. A quick death. No chase.

Right before you release your fingers, an illuminated arrow sails from your left and the deer collapses on the ground. The sound of it writhing over dead leaves blends with two sets of footsteps from the arrow’s origin.

An adult and a child, maybe a human and halfling— hard to tell in the dark. Each figure wears a dark cloak. The taller figure holds a metallic bow. Portions of its pattern glow in the new light of a lantern held by the shorter one.

They start talking. The shorter one’s voice is high and nasally. “See? It harnesses the power of lightning within the shaft. When it makes contact, that bolt surges through the target. It’s genius, really.”

The taller one sounds tired, their voice a low drawl. “That mean the meat’s cooked then? I can just take a bite off the thigh there?” They lift one of the hind legs, bring it to their mouth.

“Sweet Sol, no! Stop that!” The shorter one knocks the leg out of the taller one’s hands. “There’s still disease in it! Obviously. Lightning shocks, it doesn’t cook.”

“There’s smoke coming out of the wound. The fur is singed. How is that not cooked?”

The short one sighs. “Selnk. I swear. You are smarter than this. That small portion may be ‘cooked,’ as you say, but the rest isn’t. You’ve stopped the heart; you didn’t roast it over a fire.”

“You’re no fun when you’re hungry.”

“Then pick up that carcass so we can cook it then! It took all day to put that enchantment together!”

Selnk bends over, flops the deer carcass over their shoulder. The arrow sticks out of the deer’s neck behind them. You could see the burnt fur, bulging eyes. The deer’s weight brings down their hood, revealing dark, wavy hair just above their shoulder. There are bags under their grey eyes, a scar creating a valley in their beard.

“Lead the way, Alri. You got the lantern.”

Alri holds the lantern up to inspect the carcass one last time. They throw their hood back to get a better look. The braid over their shoulder looks like a coil of copper. They poke the deer’s shoulder and nod. They lift the lantern and lead Selnk down the trail, debating what tea goes best with venison.

In Your Hands #3: You go toward the river.

You bend down a little to fit your head under the arch of the hollowed-out log. You carry your pack in front of you in one hand, your bow in the other. Brittle wood brushes against your hunched shoulders; a chunk falls on the ground behind you.

Out on the other side, the clouds begin to part. Sun rays filter through the trees in angles you can read which tell you it’s early afternoon. You step into and out of its warmth as you walk down the trail.

An annoying thing about being in sunlight, even briefly, if that you start to feel like a person again. Images from the morning come back to you in waves: an old scroll, alchemical formulas, a beaker in the rotten center of a stump, a westerly gust, an explosion.

That voice in your head felt familiar, even though you’d never heard it before. A woman’s voice. Whatever it was is gone now. You feel the absence. You only hear it like an echo from around a bend.

The river becomes louder. The trail gives way to a pebbly bank. Rocks shuffle under your step. You look at where you step and see blood drop from your face. Right. The blood. You need to wash your face.

You squat at the edge of the river, stick your hands in. Cold. The black clouds trails from your hands in the water. You make a bowl with your hands, watch it fill up. Tossing the water onto your face feels nice, refreshing. You wipe your hands across your face, brush your hair out of your eyes. Combing your hair with your fingers, you see red droplets fall from your knuckles.

You get a glimpse of your face in the moving water. A cut above your right eye, connecting your temple to your hairline, about the length of your index finger. You dry your hands on your jacket, dig out a bandage from the bottom of your pack, and dress the wound.

The sun’s rays lose shape, diffuse in the late-afternoon mist. Your stomach growls. No food left in your pack.

Downstream, dots can be seen in the windows of buildings in town. You could probably get there by nightfall, in time for a meal at an inn.

Upstream, a similar rustling sound from earlier can be heard over the river. There’s a good chance a deer or something similar could be hunted there.

You hunt for food.

In Your Hands #2: You choose a longbow.

You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your longbow. It spins in your grip as you nock an arrow, draw it back, aim.

It’s only a deer, you realize, foraging for acorns under an aging oak. As you relax your arrow, the deer lifts its head and looks in your direction. You see a vibrant purple gash in its face, right below its eye. It’s deep, bright, its edges spread out in tendrils wavy as a canyon river. It appears dry, the fur around it unstained. The deer startles itself, hops further into the forest.

You take a half-step after it, but stop. The amethyst from the crater, now behind you, draws you in its direction. The smoke from it is dissipating. You hear a voice coming from it, a little louder with every step you take.

“time— constant— it’s time—always now—an end— time— beginning—”

The crater is hardened, charred earth. Heat radiates through you. In its center is the amethyst, its pulsing glow, no bigger than a halved apple; it would fit in the palm of your hand. 

“time— it’s time—”

You reach for the amethyst. Surprisingly, it’s cold in your hand. You feel its jagged edges across your palm.

The gem’s light pulses. As it brightens, you feel something surge through your wrist. Your veins take on a violet hue under your skin for only a second. It doesn’t hurt. The wave fades as quickly as it came.

“the bow—” The voice is all around you now. “it’s time— the bow—” Maybe it’s inside your head.

You look back at your bow, untie the lather straps of the grip, exposing a small crevice in the wood. The gem is a close fit, but needs more space. You dig out the crevice slightly, carefully, with your pocket knife.

Once you’ve removed a few slivers, you replace the amethyst in the crevice. The wood glows in the purple light and you see small purple tributaries stretch from its center. You rewrap and retie the straps of the grip.

Always the scientist, you nock an arrow to see what happens. As soon as the shaft rests on the top of the grip, the arrowhead glows. You aim toward a log a few yards away.

The arrow sinks deep into its side, a bit deeper than usual. A polypore erupts from the point of impact. The bark around it becomes brittle. Lichen drapes hang from the edge of the shelf fungus. The quickened effect only lasts a few seconds, then the log and its decomposition seemingly return to the regular flow of time.

You become restless. The clearing’s stillness feels ominous. You gather your things and figure out where you can go.

The soft roar of a river can be heard to your right, probably half a mile away. A hollowed-out log connects to a trail in that direction.

On the end of the clearing in front of you is a cluster of deer ferns, a small gap in their leaves reveals a narrow trail beyond the tree line. It seems to go back toward town.

You go toward the river.

In Your Hands #1: You wake up on the forest floor.

You wake up on the forest floor. You lie face down on a bed of moss. It takes a lot of effort to lift your head, to get onto your knees and hands.

The world seems to spin. To find which way is down, you squeeze your eyes, ball the moss bed in your fists. Equilibrium comes after a minute or so— time is hard to discern. When you open your eyes, the maple branches seem to move both faster and slower than you think they should.

There’s a layer of smoke between you and the trees. The clearing is filled with the smell of a campfire. Ash floats like snow.

Now that you’ve secured gravity, you look down. Your knuckles are pale as the falling ash. Relaxing your grip doesn’t last; your fingers slap back against your palm like a mousetrap. A drop of blood lands on your right thumbnail.

There’s nothing above you but clouds and ash. The diffused lights makes it impossible to tell what time of day it is. There’s a red circle in the moss where your head lay before. Your face is slick as you roll your hand over it. Your palm comes back red.

Your gaze sticks to the puddle of blood in your hand as you try to remember how you got here. So hazy. An explosion? But why? From whom? You? Was this your goal?

Sharp waves of pain don’t wash over you. Your limbs have the dull ache of overuse, a bad night’s sleep. You half-reposition, half-fall onto your backside, landing by your pack. Every breath is labored; your throat itches. Your eyes strain to take in light, focus through the blur of growing tears.

You take in your surroundings to see if it jogs your memory.

To your left, the moss climbs up a nurse log. Straightening your back to see over its crest, the moss yields to a grassy meadow. Black smoke emanates from a sunken patch of darkened soil a few yards aways. Something glows in the center of the crater, a slow pulsing amethyst. There are no other people in the clearing, no other bodies on the ground.

The urge to move is overwhelming. That pulsing light calls to you; it will answer your questions. It’s a slow process, getting to your feet, but you can eventually stand upright without leaning on the nurse log beside you.

A rustling emerges from the bushes behind you. A flood of adrenaline turns you around in an instant. You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your…

You choose a longbow.

I Just Want to Be a Good Dad

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from August, 2024.

I. mob-lolatry, n.

I just want to be
a good dad,
you know?

They’re always on about how
we never go anywhere.

And, it’s so damn hot,
I don’t mind the idea
of being in a car all day.

The 12 straight hours of Taylor Swift
doesn’t sound that bad either.

II. devil’s horse, n.

Logically, I know
bugs happen in campsites—
it’s their home.

I didn’t expect
them to overwhelm our tent
while I pumped up the mattresses.

I also didn’t think
Aria would give a name
to every grasshopper.

III. panchreston, n.

Aria’s attention span
is what you would expect
of a six year old.

Unlike her older sister,
she does not want to sit in the shade
rereading The Maze Runner.

So, instead, I send her on a quest
to find the perfect walking stick.
Works every time.

IV. nosebleeder, n.

The next day,
another long drive
down California.

Claire looks up from her book,
asks about the mountain
out her window in the east.

“I think that’s Lassen,” I say,
squinting toward the morning sun.
“That’s where we’re camping today.”

“ON the mountain?!” she asks.
After I say no, she focuses on it again.
“Can we try to climb it though?”

V. megstie, int.

“What?! You can’t be serious!”
I gasp. “It’s a volcano!”

Aria looks up from her iPad.
“I want to climb a volcano!”

“You too? There’s no way
we could do it.”

“It has to be possible,” Claire responds.
“I’m googling it.”

VI. kass-kass, n.

Claire says
the hike to Lassen Peak is
“only five miles long.”

I say
we don’t have hiking essentials and
would need to go to a store first.

Aria says
she wants to plant a flag on the top
“like Neil Armstrong.”

I say
she can barely focus
through an episode of Bluey.

They say
I’m “a force of inertia”
and “a big meanie.”

I tell
Claire to find
the closest Big 5.

VII. hdb, n.

We have to stop in Redding
to get ourselves
actual hiking shoes and packs.

Claire’s directions from Apple Maps
sends us meandering through
three neighborhoods on the way.

VIII. bellywash, n.

They do a lap around the store
to break in their new shoes and packs
while I find some for myself.

They return with
three tall glass bottles of lemonade
while I stand on the balls of my feet.

They tell me how hot it’s been and
we’re buying expensive shoes anyway
while I check my card balance on my phone.

Aria hugs the bottles and
Claire balances the shoe boxes
while I lead them to the checkout.

IX. biblioklept, n.

During the drive to Lassen,
Claire finishes the Maze Runner,
infodumps about new details she noticed.

Don’t worry, she packed a backpack
specifically for backup books
just for this situation.

She takes out a brick of a book
from her mobile library,
starts reading.

X. onion, n.

I successfully get them both
up and in the car before dawn—
a literal miracle.

The drive is winding switchbacks.
Aria complains about her ears popping.
Claire eyes the wildfire remnants we pass.

The sun rises as we pull into the parking lot.
Another family starts their hike
as we get ourselves ready.

XI. dumb phone, n.

Don’t know why, but when
I put my phone in my pocket,
I feel her phone in my hand
from the last hike we went on
before she passed.

She loved hiking, looked forward
to taking our daughters
on her favorites when
they were old enough.

She never got to do that.
Her equipment is still
in the back of our closet—
I can never bring myself
to look at it.

XII. tragedietta, n.

Aria is ready to run up the mountain,
Claire right behind her.

I stop by the trailhead to look at the map,
check for safety notices.

The hike description says,
“Strenuous.”

XIII. southpaw, n.

“Come on, Dad!” Aria yells,
drawing zigzags in the dirt

with the walking stick she found
the first night of our trip.

XIV. oysterling, n.

For the first 500 feet,
Claire keeps a constant pace.
Aria, on the other hand, runs
straight to the first switchback,

leans around the interpretive sign,
stares at the fading social trail
that goes straight up the ridge,
taps the wall with her foot.

“Don’t even think about it,”
I warn, stopping to stretch my legs.

XV. blackberry, v.

Aria sighs. Her walking stick
leaves a snake in the dirt.

Claire picks pines off
branches as she passes,

twirls them between her fingertips
as she hums “Cruel Summer” to herself.

XVI. sprig, v.

Loose dirt and gravel
shift underfoot on the
next stretch of trail.

Almost wish my shoes
were spiked like cleats
to stop from slipping.

XVII. hap-harlot, n.

The last time I looked over
a talus on the side of a mountain,
she was still alive and smiling.

We laid a blanket on the shore of a lake.
She told me about an article she read
as a pika ran around the rocks behind her
with a mouthful of wildflowers.

XVIII. peepling, n.

We rest at the next switchback
in the shade of a clump of trees.

Aria hands me her walking stick,
jumps onto a log along the side of the trail,

announces, “Now on beam: Simone Biles,”
cautiously walks across the log and back,

jumps, lands with her arms above her head.
Claire and I, and some passersby, applaud.

XIX. milder, v.

Little shade
covers the next section of trail.
Relentless sun
bakes the rock underfoot.

Sweat pours down my face
like rain on a windshield.
Whimsy becomes determination;
irritation grows on their faces.

XX. ramgunshoch, adj.

The morning sun warms up
quicker than anticipated.

Aria’s shoulders are slumped;
her walking stick drags behind her.

She asks Claire why the trees
get shorter the higher we go up.

Claire gives a short, uncertain answer
and a short, sudden insult.

Her walking stick hits the ground
as she runs further up the trail.

XXI. hyphy, adj.

When I try to talk to Claire about
how what she said was wrong,

she erupts into a loud tirade
like a pan of forgotten pasta on the stove.

Listen, nod, watch her eyes.
She needs to sit down and drink water.

I pick up Aria’s walking stick,
lead Claire to the nearest shade.

XXII. oxford comma, n.

A tree, a stone, and shade.
Sweat, dust, and sunscreen.
Sit, drink, and breathe.

Me, Claire, and—
oh shit.
Where is Aria?

XXIII. chicken dance, n.

No sign of her.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.

I drop everything,
run up the trail.
How far could she have gotten?

Never felt such speed before.
Never played such a frantic game of I Spy before.
Never investigated footprints like a crime scene before.

Her name comes out
of my arid throat
like a squawk.

XXIV. gabster, n.

Magnolia would never
lose control like this.
She was an attentive mother.
I did my best,
but I couldn’t compare.

She had a way of talking,
connecting with people
that I can’t replicate.

XXV. pepper-water, n.

Tears sting my cheeks.
My thighs full of magma.
Rocks fly under my dashing feet
like arrows in a boobytrapped tomb.

At the top of a man-made staircase,
behind a boulder, by a squat pine tree,
Aria hugs her knees to her chest,
crying, crying.

Approach slowly. Say her name gently.
Wrap her in my arms. Never let go.
Her tears, sweat soak my shirt.
My tears, sweat soak her sunhat.

XXVI. bada, adj.

I tell her I’m glad she’s safe,
that what her sister said
was inappropriate.

Her face is pink, but
I can’t tell if its the heat,
the hike, or her feelings.

I get her water bottle
out of his backpack,
tell her to drink some.

XXVII. pussivant, v.

Big feelings come out
like shaken up soda.

She’s speaking a language
I can’t understand.

I listen to her timbre,
read her face.

XXVIII. anthomania, n.

Air enters her lungs
sounding like worn-out brakes.

Rhythm becomes steadier,
the sound less harsh.

Her eyes on the wildflowers
in the valley below us.

XXIX. chao tom, n.

I help get Aria back to her feet,
get her things back in order,
say we need to find her sister.

Claire comes around the bend,
carrying Aria's walking stick,
which I realize I dropped in my panic.

She offers it to her along with an apology,
says the heat and lack of water got to her,
but it's no excuse for hurting her.

XXX. taffety tart, n.

She digs a Kind bar out of her backpack,
tosses it to Aria and says,
"We've almost conquered the volcano."

Within seconds, chocolate is smeared
on her face. She holds her stick aloft,
screams like a soldier running into battle.

XXXI. upful, adj.

Finally, the trail flattens.
Four interpretive signs greet us,
a large rock in their center.

Haze on the horizon,
a cloudless sky above.

Claire drops her pack
by a sign about butterflies,
pulls out her phone to take pictures.

Rocks cast short shadows
under the merciless sun.

Aria scurries around a sign
about the different types of volcanoes,
plants her stick between rocks above the forest.

The wind amplifies her cheer
as it echoes down the mountainside.

I think I did okay.

They Never Call Back

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2024.

I. aglu, n.

Why is it so hard to breathe?
Oxygen is
all around me.

Everyone else moves around
unburdened,
full-lunged.

Why is it so hard to move?
My fingers, toes
feel, twitch.

But I am stuck here, a bench
overlooking
a glacial valley.

II. nidorosity, n.

When I move, my joints
sound like gravel underfoot.

As I walk, no one
walks beside me.

Repugnant is what I am—
worthless.

III. mouffle, n.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when shadows don’t let me sleep.

Lights are brighter at 3am;
they show more detail.

It’s my nose, probably,
that deters people.

Explanations don’t bring any comfort,
nor do they help me sleep.

IV. âme damnée, n.

I hate being alone, but
I fear finding someone too.

What if someone deems me
worthy of time, attention,

and I lose myself completely?
It’s clear to me:

I would do anything they’d ask
to stay in their orbit.

V. glamorgan sausage, n.

I feel like an
imposter among humans—
better stay inside.

VI. funiliform, adj.

I pull the rope,
close the curtain
on my performance
in the role
of Normal Person.

VII. niddick, n.

My brain is
against me.
I feel it
when an earthquake
spans my neck
when I see
a loose cable.

VIII. wobbulator, n.

Clouds part;
it becomes clear
for an instant:

I need help.

IX. muck sweat, n.

My insurance company’s website
has an unintelligible interface.

Play Spot the Difference while
scrolling through dozens of names.

Dry my palms on my shirt,
dial a number into my phone.

Run my fingers through my hair
as rings echo through my skull.

X. clicktivism, n.

Mumble through a voicemail,
repeat my number at the end.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

Open YouTube, start my playlist
of dogs reuniting with their owners.

A golden retriever leaps into the arms of a soldier
standing in the threshold of his home.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

A woman explains how she sets up her room
for her online therapy sessions.

XI. dad joke, n.

Some 3am googling
says socializing
can stabilize mental health.

As I collect carts
in the Costco parking lot,
I smile, wave at customers.

When I return them
to the entrance, I say hi to
my coworkers, ask about their day.

Haltingly, I attempt a joke
to build camaraderie.
They suddenly need to get back to work.

XII. cryptomnesia, n.

Google isn’t a doctor.
An algorithm isn’t a person.

I should talk to an actual human
with a degree.

I should see if there’s anyone
in my insurance’s network.

XIII. eeksie-peeksie, adj.

After several hours
figuring out someone to call,
it turns out
I had called them already and
they never called back.

I open Instagram, watch a capybara
balance an orange on their head.

XIV. mythoclastic, adj.

Another online therapy ad
interrupts the flow of my scrolling.
Maybe they call people back.
Maybe they acknowledge
the dregs at the bottom of the mug.

My shaky thumbs
google the name,
but the autocomplete
adds the word
‘controversy.’

XV. ceol, n.

Leave my phone
by my water glass
sitting in its own sweat.

Need to make dinner.
Humans need food
to fuel their organs.

Ask the robot
who’s always listening to me
to play Cavetown.

XVI. fascinate, v.

See the coiled belt
on top of my dresser.

There is no escape.
They will never call you back.

See the coiled cart strap
by door to the break room.

Time is a flat circle.
You will feel this way forever.

XVII. latter wit, n.

When I’m out of the fog,
I don’t understand
what felt so logical
before.

XVIII. scringe, v.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when the sun leans on the windows.

Every mistake, every fumble
stares back at me.

Anger wells in their eyes, comes out
as spit launched at my face.

Clench my fist, swing,
make them go away.

XIX. ryepeck, n.

Shards fall like hail
over the bathroom counter.

Several stand in pools of blood
on the back of my hand.

XX. cook, n.

There’s something satisfying
about the way the glass bites
the muscles in my hand
as I clean up the bathroom.

XXI. plum bird, n.

I can hear birds in the tree
outside my dining room window
as I bandage my hand.

Their whistle sounds celebratory.

XXII. mwah-mwah, v.

The sun presides over the parking lot
in a cloudless sky.
I gather carts in the corral by the gas station.
A woman holds a child’s hand as

she pushes her cart toward me.
She looks just like my mom.
She even does that annoying air-kiss thing as
she says goodbye to another mother putting her kid in a Subaru.

XXIII. teleguide, v.

Maybe I should call my mom?
She could have an idea
of how to help.

My phone feels heavy
as I scroll through my contacts.
I remember

the track she kept me to,
the lack of choices I had,
the clack of her nails on the counter.

XXIV. buko juice, n.

Put the phone down.
Take a drink.
Think over pros and cons.

XXV. ravalement, n.

I am a broken mirror
trying to reassemble itself
piece by piece.

But, there's no foundation,
no reference poster
for what I'm supposed to be.

What if I get my dimensions wrong?
What if I spread myself too thin?

XXVI. raggare, n.

My dad was never around.
He was always off at car shows,
parading his Roadster around.

He would be no help.
He probably barely remembers
my name.

XXVII. dinki mini, n.

All around me, people go in pairs:
an old couple pushes a cart to their van,
teenagers hold hands in the food court,
parents juggle toddlers and canvas bags.

XXVIII. gong show, n.

Stare at my left eye in one of
the few remaining mirror fragments.

Stare at the stained porcelain,
small red islands in a vast white sea.

My phone against my ear,
my moms's voicemail beeps.

XXIX. patronomatology, n.

We're family.
Sure, she changed her name
after the divorce,

but names are just words.
I'm still her kid. She raised me.
She has to call back.

XXX. sometimey, adj.

It's been two days.

She has posted on Facebook four times.
She wrote about seeing Twisters
with her boyfriend.

She hasn't called me back.

XXXI. poddy dodger, n.

You're on your own.
You've always known.

People say they care.
They tell you to reach out.

They will never call you back.
You don't deserve their help.

You deserve to be alone.
You deserve to hurt.

This Is My Chance

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from May, 2024.

I. speccy, n.

No one will get in my way.
Not Donna. Not Hafsa.
Not Jayden. No one.

I will run this company.
I’ll wear the symbolic lapel pins
at press conferences.

My Wikipedia page will be
hastily reedited every hour
by my legion of devoted followers.

Society is built by the strong,
like me. No use looking
at the bodies in my wake.

II. slangster, n.

No one knows
the heights
of my ambition.

I code-switch
by Hafsas’s cubicle,
wear a friendly face.

A different mask
for every person, keep them all
in my back pocket.

Wear whatever pantsuit or dress
is required to curry the favor
of the lechers in charge.

III. talkation, n.

It’s exhausting,
really,
all the small talk.

It’s all so slow,
meandering,
repetitive.

But you have to do it
or they label you
a loner.

No one promotes
the standoffish person—
productivity be damned.

IV. rutilate, v.

Swoop in when
someone has a sick day,
say I got them covered.

Complete their work
just slightly under par
in their name.

Complete my work
with extra vigor, precision,
the same day.

Make
sure
I shine.

V. disco nap, n.

There’s no time
to rest, no time
to sleep.

This speech won’t
revise itself; it needs
to plant the seed

that I should be
Miguel’s replacement.
His retirement banquet,

the perfect opportunity to show
warmth, respect, honor, responsibility —
my best human masks.

VI. psychomancy, n.

They don’t need
this promotion
as much as I do.

Their families had food,
had school,
had connections to power.

I hear my grandma’s voice—
the fancy-people one—
come out of my mouth

during the closing of this speech,
as Miguel and Thomas
smile and nod in my direction.

VII. kintsugi, n.

The office isn’t the same
after someone leaves,
even if it’s a retirement.

You discover the tasks
they did
that no one acknowledged.

You need to be the glue
that holds the office
together,

and you need to make sure
they know
it’s you.

VIII. motorkhana, n.

You have to show
ambition, but not show
that you want it.

I need to cover my job
and some of Miguel’s vacuum,
but only enough

for Thomas to notice
how much more I do
than Donna.

Can’t break a sweat,
can’t tense an eyebrow—
a skyscraper in a hurricane.

IX. mossify, v.

Steal resources,
drink their water.
Thrive.

Take the spotlight,
the attention, the applause.
Thrive.

Bask in sunlight,
stretch your back.
Thrive.

Live as
they fade away.
Thrive.

X. short sauce, n.

During the interview,
I talk about
my grandmother,

specifically,
helping her
in her garden,

filling a basket

with potatoes and onions,
helping cook dinner.

That should appeal
to whatever hearts they have.
I’m a shoo-in.

XI. garbage time, n.

Act humble
when they ask how
the interview went.

Act surprised
when the announcement
is made.

Act gracious
when they offer their
vapid congratulations.

Act congenial
when they describe their visions
for the future of the company.

XII. filly-folly, n.

Donna actually thought
she might have
gotten the job.

I pretend
I appreciate her
constant, inane bullshit.

Jayden believes they’re
in the inner circle,
my number two.

Placating these babies
takes so much
of my valuable time.

XIII. dim sim, n.

The branch needs to run
efficiently, effectively,
to make me look good.

All parts must work together;
each person’s strength
must compliment the others.

The manager’s job
is so increase profit
by whatever means possible.

Modifying how
data is crunched
doesn’t hurt either.

XIV. legiferous, adj.

I rule the day-to-day
of every person
in this building.

My word directs
time, energy, resources
to complete

whatever tedious minutia
increases the company stock
by a fraction of a cent.

But, my actions are
still dictated by some asshole
I’ve never met.

XV. bahama grass, n.

Not good enough. I thought
this promotion would fill the void,
but it’s simply

not good enough. I need
to aim higher, climb the ladder—
more money, more power, more.

I’ll bury them, work them
to the ground, claim all their ideas,
accomplishments, as my own.

I’ll bury them, invade their circles,

their excluding group chats,
bring every one of them down.

XVI. pollyanna, n.

Choosing a gambit
is the hardest step.
So many possibilities,

branching paths. But,
once a decision’s made, it’s
a simple transverse wave.

It comes to me
like the line that follows
an hours-long earworm.

Our company’s never had
a woman as CEO.
This is my chance.

XVII. kund, n.

The outrage machine
has been refined by
the algorithm;

I just need
to utilize the tools
efficiently.

A hashtag here, a blogpost
there, a TikTok reposted
to Reels and YouTube Shorts.

Tears of frustration
will chip away the barricade
around the castle.

XVIII. pauciloquent, adj.

Alt accounts allow me
to amplify the outrage
without any of its slander

tracing back to me.
It’s important,
you must agree:

a thoughtful leader
does not let
the squabbles of social media

cloud her judgement,
interfere with her business,
distract her from her goals.

XIX. monstriferous, adj.

Publicly toeing
the company line
affords certain privileges.

Namely, when
the frenzied mob
arrives at the doorstep

of the national headquarters,
executives can no longer
feign ignorance.

Thus, they reach out
to me
to draft a statement.

XX. mundungus, n.

Executives
must believe they are
immortal.

After an hour,
I open the window—
fresh air.

Constant fiddling
with cigarettes, vapes,
between

their fingers and their lips.
They say it helps
them think.

XXI. dumbfoundment, n.

Somehow,
they are shocked
a statement

isn’t enough.
They thought a jpeg
would satiate

the feedback loop.
When calls for further changes
fill the replies,

they scan the directory
and the only woman in management
is me.

XXII. chinchery, n.

Pinch
a penny
here.

Make the
more experienced, more expensive
guy resign.

Save
a dollar
there.

Avoid
training costs by
hiring in-house.

XXIII. fugazi, adj. and n.

Keep moving,
so they can’t see the seam
of my human mask.

A pensive nod is
enough, enough
for solidarity.

They can believe
we are
the same.

They can believe
I’m in this
for the collective.

XXIV. daladala, n.

They hold
an actual press conference
to announce my promotion.

I’m
not just a jpeg,
not a pre-recorded video.

I get cameras, microphones,
annoying questions
from annoying journalists.

I will carry
these inept fools
on my back.

XXV. stephanian, adj.

My office is larger
than my first apartment, which I split
with three other girls in college.

It comes with an assistant
with a name
not worth remembering.

He manages my
calendar, filters
my messages.

I could spend full days
staring out my window,
talking to no one.

XXVI. fairy gold, n.

A signing bonus,
stock options,
a healthy raise.

This was the goal.
I saw it
in my dreams.

I have the power,
the money,
the peons below me.

Why am I still
empty? What will satiate
this void?

XXVII. eye-rhyme, n.

Through amalgamation,
blend in with their
stoic faces, dark suits.

Though we look similar,
I can tell
we move at different tempos.

Tough facades
over
fragile egos.

Enough phonies
to make
you puke.

XXVIII. catfish, v.

To placate Donna,
I promoted her
to manage our IT department.

It seemed a way of
giving her toothless power,
giving me progressive optics.

That was my error.
She wanted to make
a name for herself.

She opened an investigation
into the scandal’s origins.
She found my IP address.

XXIX. sorry, v.

The memos fly fast—
around me, over me,
before finally reaching me.

I learn of it
in the boardroom,
an emergency meeting.

I sit in a pool of static
as whatshisname leads Jayden
into my office.

I hate the look
on their face—
pity, disappointment.

XXX. make-a-do, n.

Waves of sound
slam into me at once
like a sonic boom—

executives in the boardroom
detailing
every breadcrumb I left,

Jayden’s unearned outrage
at my lofty ambitions
and distasteful tactics,

my barbaric yawp
into the empty space
below my desk.

XXXI. summer blink, n.

The job is gone;
my reputation trashed;
my mentions, the poison garden in Alnwick.

I avoid screens
as much as I can
to quiet my brain.

At least
there’s my severance pay
in the bank,

the upturn
in the company stock
after my exit.

In Another Man’s Mirror

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from January, 2024.

I. quaaltagh, n.

An empty theatre,
lights still up,
blank screen.

People come in, think
they’re in the wrong room.
It’s nice

to watch them figure it out,
to hear their conversation,
to see if they notice me.

II. cineliterate, adj.

Twenty-four pictures
across the screen
fill your eyes
each second.

Horns and strings
from an orchestra
outside time and space
fills your ears.

You leave your body,
a metaphysical observer
of human behavior,
their ethos and pathos—

until the person behind you coughs.

III. alethiology, n.

I know
this shouldn’t bother me so much,
but I cannot help it.

Escaping this plane,
this strung-up meat bag,
is so nice.

I feel it all
come crashing down on me
instantly.

IV. puffinry, n.

Sit through all the credits,
drive home.

A house that feels
surrounded
by rough rock walls,
cold salt water.

No one ever comes here,
but me.

V. bobol, n.

From the couch, 
framed pictures on the wall
seem to tell the story

of a family
which feels more fictional
every day.

VI. hobson’s choice, n.

He used to say, “Six of one,
half a dozen of the other.”

I had never heard that sentence
before the night we had to choose

between moving into a shitty apartment
or living with my grieving mother.

That felt like the hardest decision
I’d ever have to make,

before our love evaporated
like unattended pasta water,

before I found his ring on my finger
reflected in another man’s mirror.

VII. poncif, n.

We all imagine
we’re the main character
of the movie.

How devastating
to find your story is
derivative drivel

that gets panned by critics,
that bombs at the box office,
that teenagers call “mid.”

VIII. contrarian, n.

On the bookshelf,
by the Lego Space Needle,

there’s a selfie of us
posing at Pike Place Market.

His grin’s wide; his left arm
hugs my face into his shoulder.

I doubt
he was ever really that happy.

I doubt
he meant any of it.

IX. couscoussier, n.

I wanted
to be wanted.

I wanted
to feel something.

I didn’t think
about what it meant.

I didn’t think
about the future.

X. nidification, n.

When it’s time for bed, I

rearrange the three blankets
strewn over the couch,

empty my glass of water
into the pot of a plant he left,

load the dishwasher with
three days worth of plates,

cross off the day’s square
on the Van Gogh calendar he bought,

mentally prepare for another day.

XI. jingo-ring, n.

Everything is weightless
when I’m asleep.

Colors are bright,
my skin warm,

like the universe
is hugging me,

like the universe
understands me—

maybe, even,
forgives me.

XII. grá, n.

I keep making
too much coffee
in the morning.

I keep opening
my phone after
arriving at work.

I keep looking
at the last
message he sent.

XIII. natak, n.

He’s an actor.
We met in college
when he was the lead

in a queer retelling of
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
I was a history major

with a friend
in the costume department
who invited me to an after party.

Our hands bumped, reaching
for a slice of Hawaiian pizza.
I was enamored.

XIV. peneroso, n.

The barista asks
how I’m doing.
Their brow pinched
as they place
my chai latte
on the counter.

Dominique says I
look like shit.
“More then usual,”
she adds as
my backpack lands
on my desk.

XV. blue monday, n.

You know how someone
can say something and
it nudges all your tectonic pates?

I tell her she’s right;
I shouldn’t be working today,
and leave with no further explanation.

XVI. prince, v.

It’s unfair, the way
hot people are treated,
how people fall over themselves
to get the smallest interaction.

You don’t mind much
when you’re his boyfriend
and get the runoff.

You do mind when he’s gone,
though, and people ignore you
like the human garbage
you know you are.

XVII. figury, adj.

Back home, I wrap myself
in my tortilla blanket.

I make the mistake
of opening his Instagram page.

XVIII. bitter end, n.

His last post is
from the night I told him.

A familiar streetlamp
under a cloudy moon

outside the bookshop
near the mall.

The caption:
the chorus from “Mister Cellophane.”

XIX. gumboot dance, n.

Guilt claws at my ribs
like bald eagle talons.

Each heart beat,
a seismic event.

My teeth chatter loud
as an open palm on rubber.

My thumb hovers
over the message button.

XX. ripicolous, adj.

I’m torn between two lives,
two branches of potential futures.

One in which I apologize
and maybe he hears me
and maybe we can be together again.

Another in which I atone
for my mistakes, give him space,
and maybe I grow on my own.

But, that’s really only two possibilities
of an infinite set with endless variables.

XXI. piranesian, adj.

Without you,
I feel like

all the color has been sapped
from the world, like

I am on the floor of a cavern and
sunlight is so far away, like

life is a staircase
I’ll never reach the top of.

XXII. nobody-crab, n.

My fingers typed
the letters of the words

without my mind’s consent.
My mind and I tell them

to delete the block of text,
but my thumb,

instead, dashes to
the paper airplane.

XXIII. frontenis, n.

I lose my grip; my phone clatters
against the coffee table

loud as my heart
in my throat,

loud as a rubber ball
slamming against a concrete wall.

XXIV. bermudian english, adj.

When I look at the ceiling,
I see shapes in the shadows.

It’s odd, you know,
how people change you.

You become a mixture
of past-you and them.

Who am I now that
I’m missing part of myself?

XXV. hawker centre, n.

My phone dings,
but I can’t look at it.

I leave it in the living room,
walk around the block.

There’s a circle of food trucks
in the parking lot

of the city park behind Walmart.
I get some chicken satay,

eat it on a bench by the geese
swimming through duckweed.

XXVI. noodgy, adj.

There’s no reason
to put it off anymore.

Clouds roll in, droplets dance
across the lake surface.

I need to go back.
I need to see what he said.

XXVII. mawworm, n.

I’m fine.
I’m normal.

It’s just a message.
It doesn’t have to mean anything.

I don’t have to tie my worth
to whatever it says.

I’ll just read it, process it, and
respond to it like a normal person would.

XXVIII. lardy-dardy, adj.

I walk by the neighborhood
with well-manicured lawns,

two cars in each driveway,
curtains pulled from their windows

to show their dining rooms,
happy families eating together.

XXIX. sectator, n.

My phone lay face down,
alone, on the coffee table.

The only notification
on my home screen is from

YouTube, saying tonight’s
A Closer Look just got uploaded.

Nothing moves in the house;
nothing makes a sound.

XXX. pushmobile, n.

The logical part of me
knows to leave it all alone,

watch a movie, escape
this timeline for a while.

"But. But,"
the other part says,

"what if it never sent?
What if you missed a critical typo?"

I find the message.
He left me on Seen.

XXXI. pettibockers, n.

I am small,
thin as silk.

Exposed, vulnerale,
a rabbit in a meadow.

I almost wish a hawk
would just fall from the sky

and end
this nightmare.

Someone With My Face

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2023.

I. hornman, n.

I don’t really know 
what I’m doing anymore.

I feel like a spit valve
at the end of a show.

Every day is the same
four songs on repeat.

II. mug, adj.

Track 1:
the first things I see

are angry numbers
telling me to wake up,

roll out of bed,
make myself look human.

III. bummill baty, n.

Track 2:
I sit in a Starbucks drive-thru,

then I sit in backroad traffic
behind school buses,

before I sit in a cubicle
and enter data into a spreadsheet.

IV. mirligoes, n.

Track 3:
7359672056 tab 4214 tab 60.89 enter.

Thin, black numbers
in small, white boxes.

Veins between the pixels
come into view.

V. mingei, n.

Track 4:
Rectangles, rounded edges.

Talking heads in news rooms,
vlogs in cluttered bedrooms.

They all keep talking
into their own headphones.

VI. mizzler, n.

When does the
narrative begin?

Where is the
inciting incident?

Why must every day
bleed into the next?

VII. machinga, n.

When I was younger, people said
there were many paths.

They pitched careers like rolexes
on streets around tourist traps.

But “following my dreams”
stranded me in data entry.

VIII. raccoon, v.

Is it possible
to start over?

Take a different turn 
down a side street

on an evening walk,
not go back?

IX. anticipant, adj. and n.

Pack a duffel bag
just in case.

The mountain looms over
the end of the highway.

The exit sign shines
in the evening light.

X. rampike, adj.

A vision:
the highway twists,

decays like felled leaves
in the late-autumnal sun.

I take the exit
back home.

XI. asante sana, int. and n.

You should be thankful, Kenneth.
Many would kill

for what you have.
How dare you

take that for granted,
try to leave it all behind?

XII. whenua, n.

These trees, these hills
are home to me.

I know their stories;
they know mine.

Why would I leave
the only family I know?

XIII. shockeroo, n.

Stuck in limbo:
desire for change, comfort of not.

I am a boulder, but am I at
the bottom of a hill or the edge of a cliff?

I awake each morning
exasperated.

XIV. fetissan, adj.

Dig out my trumpet
from the back of the closet.

Lie on the bedroom floor,
on my back, eyes closed.

Let each note bounce off the ceiling
to give me an answer.

XV. minnowed, adj.

Eyes open.
Small black dots

scatter across the ceiling
like fish in a crowded pond.

The ghosts of fallen tears
connect my eyes to my ears.

XVI. deepfake, n.

At work, the next day,
I leave my body, watch

someone with my face
type on a keyboard endlessly.

Their face wrinkles, their hair greys,
They keep typing.

XVII. ecofact, n.

Above their desk
on the grey cubicle wall,

a flyer from a concert
ages ago

at Jazz Alley,
my name in large letters.

XVIII. articucho, n.

A pain in my chest
like an ice pick through my ribs.

There’s no air in this office.
Everything is so loud.

Even the lights 
are failing.

XIX. forslow, v.

Friday.
I’ll leave Friday.

I’ll pack the car,
leave the office

and never come back.
Definitely.

XX. hippodrome, v.

Friday evening.
Sparse highway.

The exit sign wears
a mask of wet leaves.

But my gas tank is low;
I can’t chance that.

XXI. raniform, adj.

Why is it
I jump

whenever I get close
to doing something

I want to do?
Why am I so scared?

XXII. snorker, n.

When I was younger,
I had a dream.

When I was younger,
I played carefree.

When I was younger,
I ran after what I wanted.

XXIII. nuchthemerinal, adj.

I sit down at the dining table
and it's Sunday.

The weekend blurred
like trees on the highway.

I haven’t moved.
I can’t move.

XXIV. apple bee, n.

An ad on Instagram.
An open mic

at the indie bookshop
downtown.

A stinger
in my chest.

XXV. duskus, n.

The sky
becomes dark

as the inside
of the bookshop

as the owner
steps up to the mic.

XXVI. raconteur, n.

Someone with my face
walks onto the stage

when my name is called.
They explain their history with

the song “Over the Rainbow”
while fiddling with their trumpet’s valves.

XXVII. racketiness, n.

Each note
out of their horn,

a memory
of a past life:

clubs, festivals, concert halls
all across the country.

XXVIII. aptronym, n.

They don't keep
to a set tempo.

Notes ebb and flow
over heads and bookshelves

like grey waves
over sea stars in tide pools.

XXIX. queemly, adv.

They smirk,
signal the audience

with a flip
of their left hand.

Their voices join
in the chorus.

XXX. merry-go-round, n.

When the last note ends,
sweat drips down my face.

Applause, cheers,
smiling faces, tears.

It feels
like home.

XXXI. delph, n.

Trumpet case
on the kitchen counter.

Bright office lights.
A din of keystrokes.

Listen to Donald Byrd
on my drive home.