One Day

One day, the life that flowed through you
will be gone,
leaving only
the husks of your bones
to dry in the sun.

One day, the sun, wind, and rain
will erode those bones,
leaving only
the impact you had
on the landscape.

I Just Want to Be a Good Dad

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from August, 2024.

I. mob-lolatry, n.

I just want to be
a good dad,
you know?

They’re always on about how
we never go anywhere.

And, it’s so damn hot,
I don’t mind the idea
of being in a car all day.

The 12 straight hours of Taylor Swift
doesn’t sound that bad either.

II. devil’s horse, n.

Logically, I know
bugs happen in campsites—
it’s their home.

I didn’t expect
them to overwhelm our tent
while I pumped up the mattresses.

I also didn’t think
Aria would give a name
to every grasshopper.

III. panchreston, n.

Aria’s attention span
is what you would expect
of a six year old.

Unlike her older sister,
she does not want to sit in the shade
rereading The Maze Runner.

So, instead, I send her on a quest
to find the perfect walking stick.
Works every time.

IV. nosebleeder, n.

The next day,
another long drive
down California.

Claire looks up from her book,
asks about the mountain
out her window in the east.

“I think that’s Lassen,” I say,
squinting toward the morning sun.
“That’s where we’re camping today.”

“ON the mountain?!” she asks.
After I say no, she focuses on it again.
“Can we try to climb it though?”

V. megstie, int.

“What?! You can’t be serious!”
I gasp. “It’s a volcano!”

Aria looks up from her iPad.
“I want to climb a volcano!”

“You too? There’s no way
we could do it.”

“It has to be possible,” Claire responds.
“I’m googling it.”

VI. kass-kass, n.

Claire says
the hike to Lassen Peak is
“only five miles long.”

I say
we don’t have hiking essentials and
would need to go to a store first.

Aria says
she wants to plant a flag on the top
“like Neil Armstrong.”

I say
she can barely focus
through an episode of Bluey.

They say
I’m “a force of inertia”
and “a big meanie.”

I tell
Claire to find
the closest Big 5.

VII. hdb, n.

We have to stop in Redding
to get ourselves
actual hiking shoes and packs.

Claire’s directions from Apple Maps
sends us meandering through
three neighborhoods on the way.

VIII. bellywash, n.

They do a lap around the store
to break in their new shoes and packs
while I find some for myself.

They return with
three tall glass bottles of lemonade
while I stand on the balls of my feet.

They tell me how hot it’s been and
we’re buying expensive shoes anyway
while I check my card balance on my phone.

Aria hugs the bottles and
Claire balances the shoe boxes
while I lead them to the checkout.

IX. biblioklept, n.

During the drive to Lassen,
Claire finishes the Maze Runner,
infodumps about new details she noticed.

Don’t worry, she packed a backpack
specifically for backup books
just for this situation.

She takes out a brick of a book
from her mobile library,
starts reading.

X. onion, n.

I successfully get them both
up and in the car before dawn—
a literal miracle.

The drive is winding switchbacks.
Aria complains about her ears popping.
Claire eyes the wildfire remnants we pass.

The sun rises as we pull into the parking lot.
Another family starts their hike
as we get ourselves ready.

XI. dumb phone, n.

Don’t know why, but when
I put my phone in my pocket,
I feel her phone in my hand
from the last hike we went on
before she passed.

She loved hiking, looked forward
to taking our daughters
on her favorites when
they were old enough.

She never got to do that.
Her equipment is still
in the back of our closet—
I can never bring myself
to look at it.

XII. tragedietta, n.

Aria is ready to run up the mountain,
Claire right behind her.

I stop by the trailhead to look at the map,
check for safety notices.

The hike description says,
“Strenuous.”

XIII. southpaw, n.

“Come on, Dad!” Aria yells,
drawing zigzags in the dirt

with the walking stick she found
the first night of our trip.

XIV. oysterling, n.

For the first 500 feet,
Claire keeps a constant pace.
Aria, on the other hand, runs
straight to the first switchback,

leans around the interpretive sign,
stares at the fading social trail
that goes straight up the ridge,
taps the wall with her foot.

“Don’t even think about it,”
I warn, stopping to stretch my legs.

XV. blackberry, v.

Aria sighs. Her walking stick
leaves a snake in the dirt.

Claire picks pines off
branches as she passes,

twirls them between her fingertips
as she hums “Cruel Summer” to herself.

XVI. sprig, v.

Loose dirt and gravel
shift underfoot on the
next stretch of trail.

Almost wish my shoes
were spiked like cleats
to stop from slipping.

XVII. hap-harlot, n.

The last time I looked over
a talus on the side of a mountain,
she was still alive and smiling.

We laid a blanket on the shore of a lake.
She told me about an article she read
as a pika ran around the rocks behind her
with a mouthful of wildflowers.

XVIII. peepling, n.

We rest at the next switchback
in the shade of a clump of trees.

Aria hands me her walking stick,
jumps onto a log along the side of the trail,

announces, “Now on beam: Simone Biles,”
cautiously walks across the log and back,

jumps, lands with her arms above her head.
Claire and I, and some passersby, applaud.

XIX. milder, v.

Little shade
covers the next section of trail.
Relentless sun
bakes the rock underfoot.

Sweat pours down my face
like rain on a windshield.
Whimsy becomes determination;
irritation grows on their faces.

XX. ramgunshoch, adj.

The morning sun warms up
quicker than anticipated.

Aria’s shoulders are slumped;
her walking stick drags behind her.

She asks Claire why the trees
get shorter the higher we go up.

Claire gives a short, uncertain answer
and a short, sudden insult.

Her walking stick hits the ground
as she runs further up the trail.

XXI. hyphy, adj.

When I try to talk to Claire about
how what she said was wrong,

she erupts into a loud tirade
like a pan of forgotten pasta on the stove.

Listen, nod, watch her eyes.
She needs to sit down and drink water.

I pick up Aria’s walking stick,
lead Claire to the nearest shade.

XXII. oxford comma, n.

A tree, a stone, and shade.
Sweat, dust, and sunscreen.
Sit, drink, and breathe.

Me, Claire, and—
oh shit.
Where is Aria?

XXIII. chicken dance, n.

No sign of her.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.

I drop everything,
run up the trail.
How far could she have gotten?

Never felt such speed before.
Never played such a frantic game of I Spy before.
Never investigated footprints like a crime scene before.

Her name comes out
of my arid throat
like a squawk.

XXIV. gabster, n.

Magnolia would never
lose control like this.
She was an attentive mother.
I did my best,
but I couldn’t compare.

She had a way of talking,
connecting with people
that I can’t replicate.

XXV. pepper-water, n.

Tears sting my cheeks.
My thighs full of magma.
Rocks fly under my dashing feet
like arrows in a boobytrapped tomb.

At the top of a man-made staircase,
behind a boulder, by a squat pine tree,
Aria hugs her knees to her chest,
crying, crying.

Approach slowly. Say her name gently.
Wrap her in my arms. Never let go.
Her tears, sweat soak my shirt.
My tears, sweat soak her sunhat.

XXVI. bada, adj.

I tell her I’m glad she’s safe,
that what her sister said
was inappropriate.

Her face is pink, but
I can’t tell if its the heat,
the hike, or her feelings.

I get her water bottle
out of his backpack,
tell her to drink some.

XXVII. pussivant, v.

Big feelings come out
like shaken up soda.

She’s speaking a language
I can’t understand.

I listen to her timbre,
read her face.

XXVIII. anthomania, n.

Air enters her lungs
sounding like worn-out brakes.

Rhythm becomes steadier,
the sound less harsh.

Her eyes on the wildflowers
in the valley below us.

XXIX. chao tom, n.

I help get Aria back to her feet,
get her things back in order,
say we need to find her sister.

Claire comes around the bend,
carrying Aria's walking stick,
which I realize I dropped in my panic.

She offers it to her along with an apology,
says the heat and lack of water got to her,
but it's no excuse for hurting her.

XXX. taffety tart, n.

She digs a Kind bar out of her backpack,
tosses it to Aria and says,
"We've almost conquered the volcano."

Within seconds, chocolate is smeared
on her face. She holds her stick aloft,
screams like a soldier running into battle.

XXXI. upful, adj.

Finally, the trail flattens.
Four interpretive signs greet us,
a large rock in their center.

Haze on the horizon,
a cloudless sky above.

Claire drops her pack
by a sign about butterflies,
pulls out her phone to take pictures.

Rocks cast short shadows
under the merciless sun.

Aria scurries around a sign
about the different types of volcanoes,
plants her stick between rocks above the forest.

The wind amplifies her cheer
as it echoes down the mountainside.

I think I did okay.

wellness feed

chug this shake, copy this routine
build your core
boost your gains
for the perfect physique

get this angle, this lighting
pose your leg like this
tilt your head like that
for the perfect silhouette

read these books, avoid those sites
learn about the world
be an informed citizen
for the perfect intellect

use this cream, this blush
smooth your skin
highlight your cheekbones
for the perfect youthfulness

drink this tea, this coffee
shit your brains out
lose 10 pounds
for the perfect body

you were just asleep

you’re awake.

did you drink too much caffeine?
when was the last time you had caffeine?

you were just asleep—
just on the other side of the water’s surface.
why can’t you go back? why can’t you find it?

you were just comfortable. now
your knee aches,
it’s too hot,
your back screams.

the shadows taunt you.
your alarm clock taunts you.

back from vacation

full laundry hamper in the hallway
washer and dryer on the clock
two towels and a picnic blanket
over the shower rod

desert in the fridge
stale water in a brita filter
a dozen half-empty condiments
on the shelf in the door

tired books on the end table
curled corners
frayed bookmarks
bent pages

every window open
a fan on each sill
ceiling fan at top speed
counterclockwise

feet up on the coffee table
skin like madrone bark
a cold glass of water
against your chest

They Never Call Back

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2024.

I. aglu, n.

Why is it so hard to breathe?
Oxygen is
all around me.

Everyone else moves around
unburdened,
full-lunged.

Why is it so hard to move?
My fingers, toes
feel, twitch.

But I am stuck here, a bench
overlooking
a glacial valley.

II. nidorosity, n.

When I move, my joints
sound like gravel underfoot.

As I walk, no one
walks beside me.

Repugnant is what I am—
worthless.

III. mouffle, n.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when shadows don’t let me sleep.

Lights are brighter at 3am;
they show more detail.

It’s my nose, probably,
that deters people.

Explanations don’t bring any comfort,
nor do they help me sleep.

IV. âme damnée, n.

I hate being alone, but
I fear finding someone too.

What if someone deems me
worthy of time, attention,

and I lose myself completely?
It’s clear to me:

I would do anything they’d ask
to stay in their orbit.

V. glamorgan sausage, n.

I feel like an
imposter among humans—
better stay inside.

VI. funiliform, adj.

I pull the rope,
close the curtain
on my performance
in the role
of Normal Person.

VII. niddick, n.

My brain is
against me.
I feel it
when an earthquake
spans my neck
when I see
a loose cable.

VIII. wobbulator, n.

Clouds part;
it becomes clear
for an instant:

I need help.

IX. muck sweat, n.

My insurance company’s website
has an unintelligible interface.

Play Spot the Difference while
scrolling through dozens of names.

Dry my palms on my shirt,
dial a number into my phone.

Run my fingers through my hair
as rings echo through my skull.

X. clicktivism, n.

Mumble through a voicemail,
repeat my number at the end.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

Open YouTube, start my playlist
of dogs reuniting with their owners.

A golden retriever leaps into the arms of a soldier
standing in the threshold of his home.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

A woman explains how she sets up her room
for her online therapy sessions.

XI. dad joke, n.

Some 3am googling
says socializing
can stabilize mental health.

As I collect carts
in the Costco parking lot,
I smile, wave at customers.

When I return them
to the entrance, I say hi to
my coworkers, ask about their day.

Haltingly, I attempt a joke
to build camaraderie.
They suddenly need to get back to work.

XII. cryptomnesia, n.

Google isn’t a doctor.
An algorithm isn’t a person.

I should talk to an actual human
with a degree.

I should see if there’s anyone
in my insurance’s network.

XIII. eeksie-peeksie, adj.

After several hours
figuring out someone to call,
it turns out
I had called them already and
they never called back.

I open Instagram, watch a capybara
balance an orange on their head.

XIV. mythoclastic, adj.

Another online therapy ad
interrupts the flow of my scrolling.
Maybe they call people back.
Maybe they acknowledge
the dregs at the bottom of the mug.

My shaky thumbs
google the name,
but the autocomplete
adds the word
‘controversy.’

XV. ceol, n.

Leave my phone
by my water glass
sitting in its own sweat.

Need to make dinner.
Humans need food
to fuel their organs.

Ask the robot
who’s always listening to me
to play Cavetown.

XVI. fascinate, v.

See the coiled belt
on top of my dresser.

There is no escape.
They will never call you back.

See the coiled cart strap
by door to the break room.

Time is a flat circle.
You will feel this way forever.

XVII. latter wit, n.

When I’m out of the fog,
I don’t understand
what felt so logical
before.

XVIII. scringe, v.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when the sun leans on the windows.

Every mistake, every fumble
stares back at me.

Anger wells in their eyes, comes out
as spit launched at my face.

Clench my fist, swing,
make them go away.

XIX. ryepeck, n.

Shards fall like hail
over the bathroom counter.

Several stand in pools of blood
on the back of my hand.

XX. cook, n.

There’s something satisfying
about the way the glass bites
the muscles in my hand
as I clean up the bathroom.

XXI. plum bird, n.

I can hear birds in the tree
outside my dining room window
as I bandage my hand.

Their whistle sounds celebratory.

XXII. mwah-mwah, v.

The sun presides over the parking lot
in a cloudless sky.
I gather carts in the corral by the gas station.
A woman holds a child’s hand as

she pushes her cart toward me.
She looks just like my mom.
She even does that annoying air-kiss thing as
she says goodbye to another mother putting her kid in a Subaru.

XXIII. teleguide, v.

Maybe I should call my mom?
She could have an idea
of how to help.

My phone feels heavy
as I scroll through my contacts.
I remember

the track she kept me to,
the lack of choices I had,
the clack of her nails on the counter.

XXIV. buko juice, n.

Put the phone down.
Take a drink.
Think over pros and cons.

XXV. ravalement, n.

I am a broken mirror
trying to reassemble itself
piece by piece.

But, there's no foundation,
no reference poster
for what I'm supposed to be.

What if I get my dimensions wrong?
What if I spread myself too thin?

XXVI. raggare, n.

My dad was never around.
He was always off at car shows,
parading his Roadster around.

He would be no help.
He probably barely remembers
my name.

XXVII. dinki mini, n.

All around me, people go in pairs:
an old couple pushes a cart to their van,
teenagers hold hands in the food court,
parents juggle toddlers and canvas bags.

XXVIII. gong show, n.

Stare at my left eye in one of
the few remaining mirror fragments.

Stare at the stained porcelain,
small red islands in a vast white sea.

My phone against my ear,
my moms's voicemail beeps.

XXIX. patronomatology, n.

We're family.
Sure, she changed her name
after the divorce,

but names are just words.
I'm still her kid. She raised me.
She has to call back.

XXX. sometimey, adj.

It's been two days.

She has posted on Facebook four times.
She wrote about seeing Twisters
with her boyfriend.

She hasn't called me back.

XXXI. poddy dodger, n.

You're on your own.
You've always known.

People say they care.
They tell you to reach out.

They will never call you back.
You don't deserve their help.

You deserve to be alone.
You deserve to hurt.

This Is My Chance

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from May, 2024.

I. speccy, n.

No one will get in my way.
Not Donna. Not Hafsa.
Not Jayden. No one.

I will run this company.
I’ll wear the symbolic lapel pins
at press conferences.

My Wikipedia page will be
hastily reedited every hour
by my legion of devoted followers.

Society is built by the strong,
like me. No use looking
at the bodies in my wake.

II. slangster, n.

No one knows
the heights
of my ambition.

I code-switch
by Hafsas’s cubicle,
wear a friendly face.

A different mask
for every person, keep them all
in my back pocket.

Wear whatever pantsuit or dress
is required to curry the favor
of the lechers in charge.

III. talkation, n.

It’s exhausting,
really,
all the small talk.

It’s all so slow,
meandering,
repetitive.

But you have to do it
or they label you
a loner.

No one promotes
the standoffish person—
productivity be damned.

IV. rutilate, v.

Swoop in when
someone has a sick day,
say I got them covered.

Complete their work
just slightly under par
in their name.

Complete my work
with extra vigor, precision,
the same day.

Make
sure
I shine.

V. disco nap, n.

There’s no time
to rest, no time
to sleep.

This speech won’t
revise itself; it needs
to plant the seed

that I should be
Miguel’s replacement.
His retirement banquet,

the perfect opportunity to show
warmth, respect, honor, responsibility —
my best human masks.

VI. psychomancy, n.

They don’t need
this promotion
as much as I do.

Their families had food,
had school,
had connections to power.

I hear my grandma’s voice—
the fancy-people one—
come out of my mouth

during the closing of this speech,
as Miguel and Thomas
smile and nod in my direction.

VII. kintsugi, n.

The office isn’t the same
after someone leaves,
even if it’s a retirement.

You discover the tasks
they did
that no one acknowledged.

You need to be the glue
that holds the office
together,

and you need to make sure
they know
it’s you.

VIII. motorkhana, n.

You have to show
ambition, but not show
that you want it.

I need to cover my job
and some of Miguel’s vacuum,
but only enough

for Thomas to notice
how much more I do
than Donna.

Can’t break a sweat,
can’t tense an eyebrow—
a skyscraper in a hurricane.

IX. mossify, v.

Steal resources,
drink their water.
Thrive.

Take the spotlight,
the attention, the applause.
Thrive.

Bask in sunlight,
stretch your back.
Thrive.

Live as
they fade away.
Thrive.

X. short sauce, n.

During the interview,
I talk about
my grandmother,

specifically,
helping her
in her garden,

filling a basket

with potatoes and onions,
helping cook dinner.

That should appeal
to whatever hearts they have.
I’m a shoo-in.

XI. garbage time, n.

Act humble
when they ask how
the interview went.

Act surprised
when the announcement
is made.

Act gracious
when they offer their
vapid congratulations.

Act congenial
when they describe their visions
for the future of the company.

XII. filly-folly, n.

Donna actually thought
she might have
gotten the job.

I pretend
I appreciate her
constant, inane bullshit.

Jayden believes they’re
in the inner circle,
my number two.

Placating these babies
takes so much
of my valuable time.

XIII. dim sim, n.

The branch needs to run
efficiently, effectively,
to make me look good.

All parts must work together;
each person’s strength
must compliment the others.

The manager’s job
is so increase profit
by whatever means possible.

Modifying how
data is crunched
doesn’t hurt either.

XIV. legiferous, adj.

I rule the day-to-day
of every person
in this building.

My word directs
time, energy, resources
to complete

whatever tedious minutia
increases the company stock
by a fraction of a cent.

But, my actions are
still dictated by some asshole
I’ve never met.

XV. bahama grass, n.

Not good enough. I thought
this promotion would fill the void,
but it’s simply

not good enough. I need
to aim higher, climb the ladder—
more money, more power, more.

I’ll bury them, work them
to the ground, claim all their ideas,
accomplishments, as my own.

I’ll bury them, invade their circles,

their excluding group chats,
bring every one of them down.

XVI. pollyanna, n.

Choosing a gambit
is the hardest step.
So many possibilities,

branching paths. But,
once a decision’s made, it’s
a simple transverse wave.

It comes to me
like the line that follows
an hours-long earworm.

Our company’s never had
a woman as CEO.
This is my chance.

XVII. kund, n.

The outrage machine
has been refined by
the algorithm;

I just need
to utilize the tools
efficiently.

A hashtag here, a blogpost
there, a TikTok reposted
to Reels and YouTube Shorts.

Tears of frustration
will chip away the barricade
around the castle.

XVIII. pauciloquent, adj.

Alt accounts allow me
to amplify the outrage
without any of its slander

tracing back to me.
It’s important,
you must agree:

a thoughtful leader
does not let
the squabbles of social media

cloud her judgement,
interfere with her business,
distract her from her goals.

XIX. monstriferous, adj.

Publicly toeing
the company line
affords certain privileges.

Namely, when
the frenzied mob
arrives at the doorstep

of the national headquarters,
executives can no longer
feign ignorance.

Thus, they reach out
to me
to draft a statement.

XX. mundungus, n.

Executives
must believe they are
immortal.

After an hour,
I open the window—
fresh air.

Constant fiddling
with cigarettes, vapes,
between

their fingers and their lips.
They say it helps
them think.

XXI. dumbfoundment, n.

Somehow,
they are shocked
a statement

isn’t enough.
They thought a jpeg
would satiate

the feedback loop.
When calls for further changes
fill the replies,

they scan the directory
and the only woman in management
is me.

XXII. chinchery, n.

Pinch
a penny
here.

Make the
more experienced, more expensive
guy resign.

Save
a dollar
there.

Avoid
training costs by
hiring in-house.

XXIII. fugazi, adj. and n.

Keep moving,
so they can’t see the seam
of my human mask.

A pensive nod is
enough, enough
for solidarity.

They can believe
we are
the same.

They can believe
I’m in this
for the collective.

XXIV. daladala, n.

They hold
an actual press conference
to announce my promotion.

I’m
not just a jpeg,
not a pre-recorded video.

I get cameras, microphones,
annoying questions
from annoying journalists.

I will carry
these inept fools
on my back.

XXV. stephanian, adj.

My office is larger
than my first apartment, which I split
with three other girls in college.

It comes with an assistant
with a name
not worth remembering.

He manages my
calendar, filters
my messages.

I could spend full days
staring out my window,
talking to no one.

XXVI. fairy gold, n.

A signing bonus,
stock options,
a healthy raise.

This was the goal.
I saw it
in my dreams.

I have the power,
the money,
the peons below me.

Why am I still
empty? What will satiate
this void?

XXVII. eye-rhyme, n.

Through amalgamation,
blend in with their
stoic faces, dark suits.

Though we look similar,
I can tell
we move at different tempos.

Tough facades
over
fragile egos.

Enough phonies
to make
you puke.

XXVIII. catfish, v.

To placate Donna,
I promoted her
to manage our IT department.

It seemed a way of
giving her toothless power,
giving me progressive optics.

That was my error.
She wanted to make
a name for herself.

She opened an investigation
into the scandal’s origins.
She found my IP address.

XXIX. sorry, v.

The memos fly fast—
around me, over me,
before finally reaching me.

I learn of it
in the boardroom,
an emergency meeting.

I sit in a pool of static
as whatshisname leads Jayden
into my office.

I hate the look
on their face—
pity, disappointment.

XXX. make-a-do, n.

Waves of sound
slam into me at once
like a sonic boom—

executives in the boardroom
detailing
every breadcrumb I left,

Jayden’s unearned outrage
at my lofty ambitions
and distasteful tactics,

my barbaric yawp
into the empty space
below my desk.

XXXI. summer blink, n.

The job is gone;
my reputation trashed;
my mentions, the poison garden in Alnwick.

I avoid screens
as much as I can
to quiet my brain.

At least
there’s my severance pay
in the bank,

the upturn
in the company stock
after my exit.

your ashes

your ashes
inside a plastic bag in a cardboard box

on a shelf toward the back of the garage
behind their back-up tent

a long wait
for the death of a man

with no memory of you
a small ceremony

a distribution
of his ashes and yours

among the rocks and roots around colchuck lake
your request

i was here

hello. this is your house; i’m aware.
i don’t know how to say this kindly, but

i was here
before you.

i was here
before that blonde house-flipper in the flannel made cheap renovations to the facade.
i was here
before the previous family fell into addiction and the house fell into squalor.
i was here
before the men in hard hats put together the 'good bones' the realtor told you about.
i was here
before ox hooves and wagon wheels left tracks in my mud.
i was here
before the first humans foraged for huckleberries and hunted deer in my foliage.

i was here
first.

i will continue to be here
after i’m done with you.

In the Foyer

There we were
in the foyer
fussing with backpacks, tying shoes,
unsure
what the world had planned
for those we love.