One Day

One day, the life that flowed through you
will be gone,
leaving only
the husks of your bones
to dry in the sun.

One day, the sun, wind, and rain
will erode those bones,
leaving only
the impact you had
on the landscape.

In Your Hands #4: You hunt for food.

Your bow readied, an arrow between your fingers. You crouch, walk toward the rustling on the balls of your feet.

You’ve hunted plenty of times before. Stalking always feels like it takes forever, but you know, logically, only a fraction of the time you feel actually goes by. Your eyes adjust to the shadows, the setting sun, making your slow steps avoid fallen branches and crunchy leaves with ease.

Pause. Wait for another hint, a misplaced step, to dictate your direction. You hear it: a leaf ripped form a stem, a hundred feet or so away from you.

One step. Another. Ready your arrow. A quick death. No chase.

Right before you release your fingers, an illuminated arrow sails from your left and the deer collapses on the ground. The sound of it writhing over dead leaves blends with two sets of footsteps from the arrow’s origin.

An adult and a child, maybe a human and halfling— hard to tell in the dark. Each figure wears a dark cloak. The taller figure holds a metallic bow. Portions of its pattern glow in the new light of a lantern held by the shorter one.

They start talking. The shorter one’s voice is high and nasally. “See? It harnesses the power of lightning within the shaft. When it makes contact, that bolt surges through the target. It’s genius, really.”

The taller one sounds tired, their voice a low drawl. “That mean the meat’s cooked then? I can just take a bite off the thigh there?” They lift one of the hind legs, bring it to their mouth.

“Sweet Sol, no! Stop that!” The shorter one knocks the leg out of the taller one’s hands. “There’s still disease in it! Obviously. Lightning shocks, it doesn’t cook.”

“There’s smoke coming out of the wound. The fur is singed. How is that not cooked?”

The short one sighs. “Selnk. I swear. You are smarter than this. That small portion may be ‘cooked,’ as you say, but the rest isn’t. You’ve stopped the heart; you didn’t roast it over a fire.”

“You’re no fun when you’re hungry.”

“Then pick up that carcass so we can cook it then! It took all day to put that enchantment together!”

Selnk bends over, flops the deer carcass over their shoulder. The arrow sticks out of the deer’s neck behind them. You could see the burnt fur, bulging eyes. The deer’s weight brings down their hood, revealing dark, wavy hair just above their shoulder. There are bags under their grey eyes, a scar creating a valley in their beard.

“Lead the way, Alri. You got the lantern.”

Alri holds the lantern up to inspect the carcass one last time. They throw their hood back to get a better look. The braid over their shoulder looks like a coil of copper. They poke the deer’s shoulder and nod. They lift the lantern and lead Selnk down the trail, debating what tea goes best with venison.

In Your Hands #3: You go toward the river.

You bend down a little to fit your head under the arch of the hollowed-out log. You carry your pack in front of you in one hand, your bow in the other. Brittle wood brushes against your hunched shoulders; a chunk falls on the ground behind you.

Out on the other side, the clouds begin to part. Sun rays filter through the trees in angles you can read which tell you it’s early afternoon. You step into and out of its warmth as you walk down the trail.

An annoying thing about being in sunlight, even briefly, if that you start to feel like a person again. Images from the morning come back to you in waves: an old scroll, alchemical formulas, a beaker in the rotten center of a stump, a westerly gust, an explosion.

That voice in your head felt familiar, even though you’d never heard it before. A woman’s voice. Whatever it was is gone now. You feel the absence. You only hear it like an echo from around a bend.

The river becomes louder. The trail gives way to a pebbly bank. Rocks shuffle under your step. You look at where you step and see blood drop from your face. Right. The blood. You need to wash your face.

You squat at the edge of the river, stick your hands in. Cold. The black clouds trails from your hands in the water. You make a bowl with your hands, watch it fill up. Tossing the water onto your face feels nice, refreshing. You wipe your hands across your face, brush your hair out of your eyes. Combing your hair with your fingers, you see red droplets fall from your knuckles.

You get a glimpse of your face in the moving water. A cut above your right eye, connecting your temple to your hairline, about the length of your index finger. You dry your hands on your jacket, dig out a bandage from the bottom of your pack, and dress the wound.

The sun’s rays lose shape, diffuse in the late-afternoon mist. Your stomach growls. No food left in your pack.

Downstream, dots can be seen in the windows of buildings in town. You could probably get there by nightfall, in time for a meal at an inn.

Upstream, a similar rustling sound from earlier can be heard over the river. There’s a good chance a deer or something similar could be hunted there.

You hunt for food.

In Your Hands #2: You choose a longbow.

You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your longbow. It spins in your grip as you nock an arrow, draw it back, aim.

It’s only a deer, you realize, foraging for acorns under an aging oak. As you relax your arrow, the deer lifts its head and looks in your direction. You see a vibrant purple gash in its face, right below its eye. It’s deep, bright, its edges spread out in tendrils wavy as a canyon river. It appears dry, the fur around it unstained. The deer startles itself, hops further into the forest.

You take a half-step after it, but stop. The amethyst from the crater, now behind you, draws you in its direction. The smoke from it is dissipating. You hear a voice coming from it, a little louder with every step you take.

“time— constant— it’s time—always now—an end— time— beginning—”

The crater is hardened, charred earth. Heat radiates through you. In its center is the amethyst, its pulsing glow, no bigger than a halved apple; it would fit in the palm of your hand. 

“time— it’s time—”

You reach for the amethyst. Surprisingly, it’s cold in your hand. You feel its jagged edges across your palm.

The gem’s light pulses. As it brightens, you feel something surge through your wrist. Your veins take on a violet hue under your skin for only a second. It doesn’t hurt. The wave fades as quickly as it came.

“the bow—” The voice is all around you now. “it’s time— the bow—” Maybe it’s inside your head.

You look back at your bow, untie the lather straps of the grip, exposing a small crevice in the wood. The gem is a close fit, but needs more space. You dig out the crevice slightly, carefully, with your pocket knife.

Once you’ve removed a few slivers, you replace the amethyst in the crevice. The wood glows in the purple light and you see small purple tributaries stretch from its center. You rewrap and retie the straps of the grip.

Always the scientist, you nock an arrow to see what happens. As soon as the shaft rests on the top of the grip, the arrowhead glows. You aim toward a log a few yards away.

The arrow sinks deep into its side, a bit deeper than usual. A polypore erupts from the point of impact. The bark around it becomes brittle. Lichen drapes hang from the edge of the shelf fungus. The quickened effect only lasts a few seconds, then the log and its decomposition seemingly return to the regular flow of time.

You become restless. The clearing’s stillness feels ominous. You gather your things and figure out where you can go.

The soft roar of a river can be heard to your right, probably half a mile away. A hollowed-out log connects to a trail in that direction.

On the end of the clearing in front of you is a cluster of deer ferns, a small gap in their leaves reveals a narrow trail beyond the tree line. It seems to go back toward town.

You go toward the river.

In Your Hands #1: You wake up on the forest floor.

You wake up on the forest floor. You lie face down on a bed of moss. It takes a lot of effort to lift your head, to get onto your knees and hands.

The world seems to spin. To find which way is down, you squeeze your eyes, ball the moss bed in your fists. Equilibrium comes after a minute or so— time is hard to discern. When you open your eyes, the maple branches seem to move both faster and slower than you think they should.

There’s a layer of smoke between you and the trees. The clearing is filled with the smell of a campfire. Ash floats like snow.

Now that you’ve secured gravity, you look down. Your knuckles are pale as the falling ash. Relaxing your grip doesn’t last; your fingers slap back against your palm like a mousetrap. A drop of blood lands on your right thumbnail.

There’s nothing above you but clouds and ash. The diffused lights makes it impossible to tell what time of day it is. There’s a red circle in the moss where your head lay before. Your face is slick as you roll your hand over it. Your palm comes back red.

Your gaze sticks to the puddle of blood in your hand as you try to remember how you got here. So hazy. An explosion? But why? From whom? You? Was this your goal?

Sharp waves of pain don’t wash over you. Your limbs have the dull ache of overuse, a bad night’s sleep. You half-reposition, half-fall onto your backside, landing by your pack. Every breath is labored; your throat itches. Your eyes strain to take in light, focus through the blur of growing tears.

You take in your surroundings to see if it jogs your memory.

To your left, the moss climbs up a nurse log. Straightening your back to see over its crest, the moss yields to a grassy meadow. Black smoke emanates from a sunken patch of darkened soil a few yards aways. Something glows in the center of the crater, a slow pulsing amethyst. There are no other people in the clearing, no other bodies on the ground.

The urge to move is overwhelming. That pulsing light calls to you; it will answer your questions. It’s a slow process, getting to your feet, but you can eventually stand upright without leaning on the nurse log beside you.

A rustling emerges from the bushes behind you. A flood of adrenaline turns you around in an instant. You reach under your pack to defend yourself with your…

You choose a longbow.

I Just Want to Be a Good Dad

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from August, 2024.

I. mob-lolatry, n.

I just want to be
a good dad,
you know?

They’re always on about how
we never go anywhere.

And, it’s so damn hot,
I don’t mind the idea
of being in a car all day.

The 12 straight hours of Taylor Swift
doesn’t sound that bad either.

II. devil’s horse, n.

Logically, I know
bugs happen in campsites—
it’s their home.

I didn’t expect
them to overwhelm our tent
while I pumped up the mattresses.

I also didn’t think
Aria would give a name
to every grasshopper.

III. panchreston, n.

Aria’s attention span
is what you would expect
of a six year old.

Unlike her older sister,
she does not want to sit in the shade
rereading The Maze Runner.

So, instead, I send her on a quest
to find the perfect walking stick.
Works every time.

IV. nosebleeder, n.

The next day,
another long drive
down California.

Claire looks up from her book,
asks about the mountain
out her window in the east.

“I think that’s Lassen,” I say,
squinting toward the morning sun.
“That’s where we’re camping today.”

“ON the mountain?!” she asks.
After I say no, she focuses on it again.
“Can we try to climb it though?”

V. megstie, int.

“What?! You can’t be serious!”
I gasp. “It’s a volcano!”

Aria looks up from her iPad.
“I want to climb a volcano!”

“You too? There’s no way
we could do it.”

“It has to be possible,” Claire responds.
“I’m googling it.”

VI. kass-kass, n.

Claire says
the hike to Lassen Peak is
“only five miles long.”

I say
we don’t have hiking essentials and
would need to go to a store first.

Aria says
she wants to plant a flag on the top
“like Neil Armstrong.”

I say
she can barely focus
through an episode of Bluey.

They say
I’m “a force of inertia”
and “a big meanie.”

I tell
Claire to find
the closest Big 5.

VII. hdb, n.

We have to stop in Redding
to get ourselves
actual hiking shoes and packs.

Claire’s directions from Apple Maps
sends us meandering through
three neighborhoods on the way.

VIII. bellywash, n.

They do a lap around the store
to break in their new shoes and packs
while I find some for myself.

They return with
three tall glass bottles of lemonade
while I stand on the balls of my feet.

They tell me how hot it’s been and
we’re buying expensive shoes anyway
while I check my card balance on my phone.

Aria hugs the bottles and
Claire balances the shoe boxes
while I lead them to the checkout.

IX. biblioklept, n.

During the drive to Lassen,
Claire finishes the Maze Runner,
infodumps about new details she noticed.

Don’t worry, she packed a backpack
specifically for backup books
just for this situation.

She takes out a brick of a book
from her mobile library,
starts reading.

X. onion, n.

I successfully get them both
up and in the car before dawn—
a literal miracle.

The drive is winding switchbacks.
Aria complains about her ears popping.
Claire eyes the wildfire remnants we pass.

The sun rises as we pull into the parking lot.
Another family starts their hike
as we get ourselves ready.

XI. dumb phone, n.

Don’t know why, but when
I put my phone in my pocket,
I feel her phone in my hand
from the last hike we went on
before she passed.

She loved hiking, looked forward
to taking our daughters
on her favorites when
they were old enough.

She never got to do that.
Her equipment is still
in the back of our closet—
I can never bring myself
to look at it.

XII. tragedietta, n.

Aria is ready to run up the mountain,
Claire right behind her.

I stop by the trailhead to look at the map,
check for safety notices.

The hike description says,
“Strenuous.”

XIII. southpaw, n.

“Come on, Dad!” Aria yells,
drawing zigzags in the dirt

with the walking stick she found
the first night of our trip.

XIV. oysterling, n.

For the first 500 feet,
Claire keeps a constant pace.
Aria, on the other hand, runs
straight to the first switchback,

leans around the interpretive sign,
stares at the fading social trail
that goes straight up the ridge,
taps the wall with her foot.

“Don’t even think about it,”
I warn, stopping to stretch my legs.

XV. blackberry, v.

Aria sighs. Her walking stick
leaves a snake in the dirt.

Claire picks pines off
branches as she passes,

twirls them between her fingertips
as she hums “Cruel Summer” to herself.

XVI. sprig, v.

Loose dirt and gravel
shift underfoot on the
next stretch of trail.

Almost wish my shoes
were spiked like cleats
to stop from slipping.

XVII. hap-harlot, n.

The last time I looked over
a talus on the side of a mountain,
she was still alive and smiling.

We laid a blanket on the shore of a lake.
She told me about an article she read
as a pika ran around the rocks behind her
with a mouthful of wildflowers.

XVIII. peepling, n.

We rest at the next switchback
in the shade of a clump of trees.

Aria hands me her walking stick,
jumps onto a log along the side of the trail,

announces, “Now on beam: Simone Biles,”
cautiously walks across the log and back,

jumps, lands with her arms above her head.
Claire and I, and some passersby, applaud.

XIX. milder, v.

Little shade
covers the next section of trail.
Relentless sun
bakes the rock underfoot.

Sweat pours down my face
like rain on a windshield.
Whimsy becomes determination;
irritation grows on their faces.

XX. ramgunshoch, adj.

The morning sun warms up
quicker than anticipated.

Aria’s shoulders are slumped;
her walking stick drags behind her.

She asks Claire why the trees
get shorter the higher we go up.

Claire gives a short, uncertain answer
and a short, sudden insult.

Her walking stick hits the ground
as she runs further up the trail.

XXI. hyphy, adj.

When I try to talk to Claire about
how what she said was wrong,

she erupts into a loud tirade
like a pan of forgotten pasta on the stove.

Listen, nod, watch her eyes.
She needs to sit down and drink water.

I pick up Aria’s walking stick,
lead Claire to the nearest shade.

XXII. oxford comma, n.

A tree, a stone, and shade.
Sweat, dust, and sunscreen.
Sit, drink, and breathe.

Me, Claire, and—
oh shit.
Where is Aria?

XXIII. chicken dance, n.

No sign of her.
No sign of her.
No sign of her.

I drop everything,
run up the trail.
How far could she have gotten?

Never felt such speed before.
Never played such a frantic game of I Spy before.
Never investigated footprints like a crime scene before.

Her name comes out
of my arid throat
like a squawk.

XXIV. gabster, n.

Magnolia would never
lose control like this.
She was an attentive mother.
I did my best,
but I couldn’t compare.

She had a way of talking,
connecting with people
that I can’t replicate.

XXV. pepper-water, n.

Tears sting my cheeks.
My thighs full of magma.
Rocks fly under my dashing feet
like arrows in a boobytrapped tomb.

At the top of a man-made staircase,
behind a boulder, by a squat pine tree,
Aria hugs her knees to her chest,
crying, crying.

Approach slowly. Say her name gently.
Wrap her in my arms. Never let go.
Her tears, sweat soak my shirt.
My tears, sweat soak her sunhat.

XXVI. bada, adj.

I tell her I’m glad she’s safe,
that what her sister said
was inappropriate.

Her face is pink, but
I can’t tell if its the heat,
the hike, or her feelings.

I get her water bottle
out of his backpack,
tell her to drink some.

XXVII. pussivant, v.

Big feelings come out
like shaken up soda.

She’s speaking a language
I can’t understand.

I listen to her timbre,
read her face.

XXVIII. anthomania, n.

Air enters her lungs
sounding like worn-out brakes.

Rhythm becomes steadier,
the sound less harsh.

Her eyes on the wildflowers
in the valley below us.

XXIX. chao tom, n.

I help get Aria back to her feet,
get her things back in order,
say we need to find her sister.

Claire comes around the bend,
carrying Aria's walking stick,
which I realize I dropped in my panic.

She offers it to her along with an apology,
says the heat and lack of water got to her,
but it's no excuse for hurting her.

XXX. taffety tart, n.

She digs a Kind bar out of her backpack,
tosses it to Aria and says,
"We've almost conquered the volcano."

Within seconds, chocolate is smeared
on her face. She holds her stick aloft,
screams like a soldier running into battle.

XXXI. upful, adj.

Finally, the trail flattens.
Four interpretive signs greet us,
a large rock in their center.

Haze on the horizon,
a cloudless sky above.

Claire drops her pack
by a sign about butterflies,
pulls out her phone to take pictures.

Rocks cast short shadows
under the merciless sun.

Aria scurries around a sign
about the different types of volcanoes,
plants her stick between rocks above the forest.

The wind amplifies her cheer
as it echoes down the mountainside.

I think I did okay.

wellness feed

chug this shake, copy this routine
build your core
boost your gains
for the perfect physique

get this angle, this lighting
pose your leg like this
tilt your head like that
for the perfect silhouette

read these books, avoid those sites
learn about the world
be an informed citizen
for the perfect intellect

use this cream, this blush
smooth your skin
highlight your cheekbones
for the perfect youthfulness

drink this tea, this coffee
shit your brains out
lose 10 pounds
for the perfect body

you were just asleep

you’re awake.

did you drink too much caffeine?
when was the last time you had caffeine?

you were just asleep—
just on the other side of the water’s surface.
why can’t you go back? why can’t you find it?

you were just comfortable. now
your knee aches,
it’s too hot,
your back screams.

the shadows taunt you.
your alarm clock taunts you.

back from vacation

full laundry hamper in the hallway
washer and dryer on the clock
two towels and a picnic blanket
over the shower rod

desert in the fridge
stale water in a brita filter
a dozen half-empty condiments
on the shelf in the door

tired books on the end table
curled corners
frayed bookmarks
bent pages

every window open
a fan on each sill
ceiling fan at top speed
counterclockwise

feet up on the coffee table
skin like madrone bark
a cold glass of water
against your chest

They Never Call Back

Each section is based on the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the day from July, 2024.

I. aglu, n.

Why is it so hard to breathe?
Oxygen is
all around me.

Everyone else moves around
unburdened,
full-lunged.

Why is it so hard to move?
My fingers, toes
feel, twitch.

But I am stuck here, a bench
overlooking
a glacial valley.

II. nidorosity, n.

When I move, my joints
sound like gravel underfoot.

As I walk, no one
walks beside me.

Repugnant is what I am—
worthless.

III. mouffle, n.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when shadows don’t let me sleep.

Lights are brighter at 3am;
they show more detail.

It’s my nose, probably,
that deters people.

Explanations don’t bring any comfort,
nor do they help me sleep.

IV. âme damnée, n.

I hate being alone, but
I fear finding someone too.

What if someone deems me
worthy of time, attention,

and I lose myself completely?
It’s clear to me:

I would do anything they’d ask
to stay in their orbit.

V. glamorgan sausage, n.

I feel like an
imposter among humans—
better stay inside.

VI. funiliform, adj.

I pull the rope,
close the curtain
on my performance
in the role
of Normal Person.

VII. niddick, n.

My brain is
against me.
I feel it
when an earthquake
spans my neck
when I see
a loose cable.

VIII. wobbulator, n.

Clouds part;
it becomes clear
for an instant:

I need help.

IX. muck sweat, n.

My insurance company’s website
has an unintelligible interface.

Play Spot the Difference while
scrolling through dozens of names.

Dry my palms on my shirt,
dial a number into my phone.

Run my fingers through my hair
as rings echo through my skull.

X. clicktivism, n.

Mumble through a voicemail,
repeat my number at the end.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

Open YouTube, start my playlist
of dogs reuniting with their owners.

A golden retriever leaps into the arms of a soldier
standing in the threshold of his home.

Breathe. Breathe. Find air.

A woman explains how she sets up her room
for her online therapy sessions.

XI. dad joke, n.

Some 3am googling
says socializing
can stabilize mental health.

As I collect carts
in the Costco parking lot,
I smile, wave at customers.

When I return them
to the entrance, I say hi to
my coworkers, ask about their day.

Haltingly, I attempt a joke
to build camaraderie.
They suddenly need to get back to work.

XII. cryptomnesia, n.

Google isn’t a doctor.
An algorithm isn’t a person.

I should talk to an actual human
with a degree.

I should see if there’s anyone
in my insurance’s network.

XIII. eeksie-peeksie, adj.

After several hours
figuring out someone to call,
it turns out
I had called them already and
they never called back.

I open Instagram, watch a capybara
balance an orange on their head.

XIV. mythoclastic, adj.

Another online therapy ad
interrupts the flow of my scrolling.
Maybe they call people back.
Maybe they acknowledge
the dregs at the bottom of the mug.

My shaky thumbs
google the name,
but the autocomplete
adds the word
‘controversy.’

XV. ceol, n.

Leave my phone
by my water glass
sitting in its own sweat.

Need to make dinner.
Humans need food
to fuel their organs.

Ask the robot
who’s always listening to me
to play Cavetown.

XVI. fascinate, v.

See the coiled belt
on top of my dresser.

There is no escape.
They will never call you back.

See the coiled cart strap
by door to the break room.

Time is a flat circle.
You will feel this way forever.

XVII. latter wit, n.

When I’m out of the fog,
I don’t understand
what felt so logical
before.

XVIII. scringe, v.

Stare at myself in the mirror
when the sun leans on the windows.

Every mistake, every fumble
stares back at me.

Anger wells in their eyes, comes out
as spit launched at my face.

Clench my fist, swing,
make them go away.

XIX. ryepeck, n.

Shards fall like hail
over the bathroom counter.

Several stand in pools of blood
on the back of my hand.

XX. cook, n.

There’s something satisfying
about the way the glass bites
the muscles in my hand
as I clean up the bathroom.

XXI. plum bird, n.

I can hear birds in the tree
outside my dining room window
as I bandage my hand.

Their whistle sounds celebratory.

XXII. mwah-mwah, v.

The sun presides over the parking lot
in a cloudless sky.
I gather carts in the corral by the gas station.
A woman holds a child’s hand as

she pushes her cart toward me.
She looks just like my mom.
She even does that annoying air-kiss thing as
she says goodbye to another mother putting her kid in a Subaru.

XXIII. teleguide, v.

Maybe I should call my mom?
She could have an idea
of how to help.

My phone feels heavy
as I scroll through my contacts.
I remember

the track she kept me to,
the lack of choices I had,
the clack of her nails on the counter.

XXIV. buko juice, n.

Put the phone down.
Take a drink.
Think over pros and cons.

XXV. ravalement, n.

I am a broken mirror
trying to reassemble itself
piece by piece.

But, there's no foundation,
no reference poster
for what I'm supposed to be.

What if I get my dimensions wrong?
What if I spread myself too thin?

XXVI. raggare, n.

My dad was never around.
He was always off at car shows,
parading his Roadster around.

He would be no help.
He probably barely remembers
my name.

XXVII. dinki mini, n.

All around me, people go in pairs:
an old couple pushes a cart to their van,
teenagers hold hands in the food court,
parents juggle toddlers and canvas bags.

XXVIII. gong show, n.

Stare at my left eye in one of
the few remaining mirror fragments.

Stare at the stained porcelain,
small red islands in a vast white sea.

My phone against my ear,
my moms's voicemail beeps.

XXIX. patronomatology, n.

We're family.
Sure, she changed her name
after the divorce,

but names are just words.
I'm still her kid. She raised me.
She has to call back.

XXX. sometimey, adj.

It's been two days.

She has posted on Facebook four times.
She wrote about seeing Twisters
with her boyfriend.

She hasn't called me back.

XXXI. poddy dodger, n.

You're on your own.
You've always known.

People say they care.
They tell you to reach out.

They will never call you back.
You don't deserve their help.

You deserve to be alone.
You deserve to hurt.